Call Him George
"Slayer, are you sure this is the right place?"
"Yes! Well, no. I mean, I'm sure this is where the coven told us to go. But as far as monsters go, I think this is a bust. Huh. And they were doing so well, too. Six weeks without a misinterpreted premonition."
"Well, no use staying in this wasteland. If we leave now, we can make it back before the last bar closes."
"Uh, guys? Not so fast."
"Angel? What's wrong?"
"Did you just...shrink?"
"Well, either that, or I've grown. Not that I'm not already bigger in all the most important aspects, but...."
"Shut up, Spike. Something's happening to me, because no way are you taller than me."
"Cheer up, mate. At this rate, Buffy will be able to carry you home in her pocket."
"Remember when I was complaining about the lack of monsters? Well, I might have been wrong."
"Let me move past the 'Gah!' and right on to the 'Holy crap!' Is that...? It can't be...."
"It's Angel. As a giant puppet."
"Spike, I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that."
"Yeah, it was this whole thing. A couple of years ago, His Corporateness here was turned into a puppet by a bunch of demons who were trying to...something. Hell if I remember. Trying to take over the world, or some rot."
"...he was a puppet?"
"Hey! I got over it."
"But...what is it doing here? And how did it get so big? Ooh! I bet that's why you're shrinking! It's probably a spell. Like, somebody's stealing part of your essence. Have you run into a demon named Toth recently? I wonder if I get cell reception out here. I need to talk to Willow."
"Well, boys and girls, looks like this night might not be a total loss after all. Suit up."
"Nice to see you came prepared, Spike. What is that, a plank of wood?"
"Hey! It's not my fault. We had to leave in a hurry, and I couldn't find a sword."
"Any time you guys are ready, feel free to give me a hand."
"Oof! It's like kicking the world's biggest pillow - all fluff and no bones. I don't think my stake will be much good here. Can we light a fire or something?"
"Wait, don't burn me! I mean, it. Spike, where's the...."
"Ow! What in the hell was that for?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. It's just that the two of you look so alike, I got confused. My mistake."
"Stop laughing, you idiot!"
"Aw, do you want me to kiss it better?"
"You'll be kissing that plank of wood in a second, Spike."
"That's it! You two either get a room or get out of my way. We have a giant puppet thingy to take care of."
"Spike, what did I tell you about playing nice?"
"Sorry, love. But you can't expect me to..."
"Oh my God, Angel! Hang on, we'll get you down!"
"No, we won't."
"Yes, we will, and you're helping, or there's a couch in the basement with your name on it."
"No, don't hurry at all. Really, take your time. I'm quite comfortable here."
"Wait a second, there's something strange about this."
"You mean, besides the fact that a giant puppet version of me is chewing on my face?"
"Yeah. I mean, look at this tag. 'Made in China'? Since when do demons carry printed lists of materials and trademark info? Something doesn't add up."
"What do you mean, love?"
"I mean, has this thing actually tried to hurt any of us?"
"You do realize I'm still up here?"
"But it's not really trying to eat you, or anything. I mean...it's acting just like a giant puppy! And look at it! It's so cute!"
"That's it. I'm going to have to rip my eyeballs out of my head when I have a spare moment."
"Awww, he's a good widdle puppet, isn't he? Maybe I can keep him as a pet!"
"Slayer, would you mind terribly not snuggling with the great ugly thing?"
"But he's so squishy! Look, now he's rolling over. Spike, rub his belly."
"See? I told you he was friendly. He let you down, didn't he?"
"True, but we still don't know that it's not really dangerous. I mean, where did it come from? Who made it?"
"I don't know. Maybe we should try to get in touch with the coven again. After all, they're the ones who...hey, where did Spike go?"
"Oh, bloody hell. Get off, you big oaf!"
"Hey! No! Bad, puppet Angel, bad! Roll over!"
"Thanks, Slayer. I assume we can all agree that we'll never mention this incident again?"
"What, you mean the part where you were trapped under my ass? Oh, I don't think so. It's a fantastic story. I think it deserves to be shared with the entire Watcher's Council, for starters. And then maybe I can...oh, God. Can you two maybe wait until you're in a private room? On the other side of the world?"
"Well, as much as this night has been a barrel of laughs for all concerned, I think we'll still have time to get back for a quick pint if we leave right now. Unless you fancy playing fetch with the big fuzzy one?"
"Nah, I'm good. Ready when you are."
"Make it three."
"Angel, wait! We can't just leave him here. We still don't know where he came from, or if you're going to keep shrinking! We have to take him back to the Council with us and do some major research."
"So what do you want me to do about it?"
"Come on, he likes you! Just, you know, get him to follow you. Ooh, do you have any treats in your pocket?"
"Love, it's a stuffed vampire, not a toy poodle."
"You know what I mean. Angel, please?"
"...oh, fine. Come on, big guy. This way home."
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