Ain’t That Enough
Written By: Chelle
We were
all wounded in some domestic war
I found you to settle my score
You looked like father
You felt like mother
My mind told my heart
There is no other
I don’t
know why I bothered to come here. I don’t know if it was my twenty-first
birthday that was my undoing or the fact that I can’t miss him anymore that
made me get in my car and come here. Maybe it was the fact that my father
bailed on me again. Maybe it’s the fact that I hate the prospect of getting
out of college and starting the rest of my life. I hate my life and I hate
who I am now. I don’t think I want to be here, but since I am, I might as
well do what I came here to do.
My father
and Angel are both in this town and by the time I finish with both of them,
they’ll know just what I think of them. They will know just how much it
hurts to put your heart and soul into loving someone only to be abandoned
and never thought of again. But dad can wait.
Now it’s
time for Angel to know what he did to me.
It’s been
four years since he made love to me. Four gut wrenchingly hard years that
have left me starving for him. That first time, my first time ever, was so
much better than any other time. Most people wouldn’t say that, but it was
for me. He was so gentle and moved so slowly over me. He never rushed and
he constantly whispered things in my ear. Years of practice on my part
haven’t come close to doing justice to that one rainy night I spent locked
in his embrace. Oh, I tried to replace him. I had men come and go, but not
once did they come close to touching that place in my heart that he resides
in. I hate him for that. And I love him for that. No matter how much it has
hurt, I keep loving him.
I should
be shot. I mean, I gave my virginity to a vampire and I have spent a
quarter of my short life pining away for him.
And I gave you my soul
And every ounce of control
I gave you my skin
And my original sin
I gave you my pride and my side
oh my pride
You know,
he never thanked me. He never thanked me for not staking his sorry ass when
he turned evil. After I slept with him, my first original sin, he went
totally psychotic and tried to kill me. But I was still on his side. Not
the way you may be imagining, I mean, I didn’t go ‘yay, Angel, kill someone
else’. But I couldn’t kill him either. I ate, slept and breathed him, just
as much as I always had. I’m sick. Faith was right. A part of me still dug
him when he was psycho.
I don’t
care anymore, though. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. He needs to
know exactly what the last few years have been like for me. Maybe once I
scream at him, maybe once I hurt him as much as he hurt me, I’ll finally be
able to put the past behind me and start to live again. I didn’t just
graduate from High School that day. I plunged headfirst into agony and I’ve
been slowly dying a little more each day. For a long time, I fooled myself
into thinking he was coming back but as the days gave way to more and more
years, wasted years, I realized that he’s just gone.
He broke me.
He broke my heart. He broke my soul and I’m going to break him. I am.
I walk up
the stairs like I know what I’m going to say and pause at the door. Things
look a little different. Namely, the building isn’t as run down and there
are snazzy window designs frosted onto the glass. I think it’s supposed to
be an angel, but it kind of looks like one of those winged maxi-pads.
That’s what he is. A blood sucking pad with wings. Okay, that’s gross. And
I’m going to tell him exactly what I think of him without bringing that up.
Hell, it’s daylight. I might even toss his ass out into the sun.
I wish
that there would suddenly be a drive-by shooting. I wish a stray bullet
would strike me in the back and he’d hear it. Dammit. Cordelia would
probably have to drag me inside, but he would watch me die and he would
suffer. Knowing my luck though, he’s not even here and I’d die listening to
Cordelia bitch about me ruining the rug.
I look up
and down the street, still wishing for a sudden freak accident, but it
doesn’t happen so I step into the office. It smells nice. There is coffee
percolating somewhere and soft music is playing. It’s not as dark as it
used to be inside either. The darker trim has been traded for wallpaper and
borders and the floors are covered with plush carpeting. I’d say I’m
impressed, but I’m too pissed at him for impressing me to admit it. He’s
done well for himself. That’s not fair at all.
Unlike me,
who spent my birthday hiding from the gang and pigging out on ice cream in
the cemetery, he has done well for himself. To top it off, I wound up
wearing most of the ice cream because vampires attacked me.
Vampires
are evil and the one who lives here is the most evil of them all. I mean, I
saved his life. I saved his life and he still left me. Even had the nerve
to say he wasn’t going to say good-bye. What kind of man, or beast for that
matter, can do something like that? How could anyone be that hard?
God, I
think he painted this picture on the wall. He’s such an amazing artist.
When he was all evil, he sketched me while I was asleep. I have it
laminated, but no one knows. There’s a beautiful A in one corner of the
picture. Yes, he painted it. It isn’t pretty at all now. I hate the damn
thing as much as I hate him. It’s ugly. So is he!
Right,
Buffy, keep telling yourself that.
When I
opened the door, a bell chimed, but no one has come to see who it is. I
step further up the hallway and into what I recall and Cordelia’s office.
Angel’s is just through that door in the corner. It’s closed. I wonder if
he’s in there. Should I knock or maybe break something by ‘accident’?
"Hello?"
I call out, not recognizing my own voice. It’s deeper, huskier than it
should be. One might even say sexy. Damn that painting. It’s because I
can’t shake the image of him painting it without a shirt on, with paint
smears all over his chest and cheeks.
I hate
him.
I so
completely freaking hate him and his skilled hands and his … everything.
Oh god.
He just
yelled, "Just a minute."
He’s here.
Ohgod
ohgod ohgod ohgod
If I turn
around now and run out the door, he will never know it was me. I’m going to
do it. I’m going to walk out. No, I’m going to run out. Here I go.
Come on, Angel. Open the door. Do it right now and say my name and I’ll be
yours.
The door
opens. Angel steps through and his face goes slack. I see his eyes rake
over me and I lick my lips, shifting under his gaze. My eyes roam over him,
taking in his tight jeans and caramel colored shirt. It matches his eyes.
When I look at his face again, he clears his throat. "Buffy."
"Angel."
We always do that. We always say each other’s name and I swear to god, it’s
like foreplay. I could come just by hearing it roll off his tongue. I’m not
inching toward the door, toward my freedom, anymore. I shouldn’t have come
here.
"What
are you doing here?" He asks, leaning against the doorjamb and shoving
his hands into his pockets.
Okay, that
pisses me off. He doesn’t bother to hug me or ask if I’m okay. He just
slouches and asks me what I’m doing here. It makes me remember why I came.
I take a deep breath and square my shoulders. "I came to tell you that
I think you are the biggest asshole who ever walked the face of the
earth."
He stands
up straight now and his gaze hardens. "Is that right?"
"Yes.
I came to tell you that I gave you every single thing I had to give you and
I pretty much think it sucks that you’ve done this to me."
"Done
what to you?"
"Done
what to me?" I’m enraged. I think I’m going to have a stroke. No, I’m
going to have a fit of blind fury and bash his face and then I’ll have the
stroke when I see the damage. "I’ll tell you what you did to me. You
left me after you promised me you never would. God, Angel, I loved you.
Wasn’t that enough to make you stay?"
"You
deserved more." His gaze has shifted to the floor now. He can’t even
look at me. "Love shouldn’t-."
"Look
at me." I can’t believe how my voice sounds. So bitter and so strong.
I wait until he glances back up at me and I pull the collar of my shirt to
one side, revealing the scar he gave me when he drank my life into him.
"Don’t you dare try to tell me what love should and shouldn’t do. I
gave you a second chance. I literally loved you past the point of dying and
it wasn’t enough for you."
Ain't that
enough
I turned your dreams into lightning
Ain't that enough
I held the world back for you
Ain't that enough
I loved you past the point of dying
Ain't that enough of me for you
He steps
further into the room and I step toward the window, bathing myself in the
soft rays that are streaming through. He takes the hint and stops walking
toward me. I’m not finished yet. When I walk out of here, I want him to
have no doubts about what I think. I’m trembling, but the sun does little
to warm my heart. It’s cold because of him.
All I can
do is keep going. If I stop talking now, I won’t start again. "When I
got infected with an aspect of that demon that time, you told me that you
would still love me and still be with me, even if I grew horns and a tail.
You lied to me. You were the only person in my freaky world that I trusted
completely and you lied to me. Do you realize what I’ve been through for
you, Angel? I watched Giles suffer the loss of Jenny. My mother kicked me
out of my house. I had to send you to Hell to save the world and –my- world
fell apart. You tormented me for months and then you came back to me!
Somehow, you came back. Wake up and smell the fucking destiny! You went to
HELL and came back!"
Angel runs his hand through his hair and makes a fist. I can tell I’m
getting to him. "What do you want from me?" he asks me through
clenched teeth.
"I
want you to know that you suck. Pardon the pun. I want you to know that you
hurt me more than I have ever been hurt. It’s not right, Angel. What you
did. You can’t just leave someone like that. My father did that exact same
thing to me and I confided in you how that felt. How dare you do it to me
too. You were different, Angel. You promised me." I choke a little,
fighting the tears that are stinging my eyes and drag in a deep breath.
"I can’t stand looking at you! I see you and a part of me wants to
rush into your arms and beg you to make it better. Do you know what kind of
fool that makes me? How it feels to be forever tied to someone who does not
want you? You don’t want me and here I am, pouring my heart out to a jerk
who doesn’t even send me a birthday card. It would be an anniversary card
too, you know. We made love on my birthday. Hell, my own father forgets it
so why shouldn’t you?"
I was so
sure one and one gave you one
My noisy love is coming undone
Now you leave like father
Disappointed like mother
And I know in my heart
There is no other
"I
did not forget your birthday." He replies softly, while I’m trying to
pick one of the jumbled arguments from my head to blast him with next. I
want to call him out about making such a perfect life for himself while I
waste away in a cramped dorm room, but he continues. "Every single
year, I write you a letter and put it in an envelope. I don’t mail
it."
"You
don’t do a lot of things." I snap. Now he has caught me off guard and
that stuns me for a second. He writes me letters?
"No,
I don’t do a lot of things, Buffy. I don’t get into my car and drive to see
you everyday like I want to. I don’t pick up the phone and call you every
single time you pop into my head and all I can think about is the sound of
your voice. I don’t sneak into your window at night and watch you sleep
anymore. I don’t get to see you anyplace other than my dreams. I don’t do a
lot of things, you’re right, but my heart keeps right on doing it for
me." He steps closer to me and points at his chest. "Cause you’re
there. You can’t be here and I can’t be in Sunnydale, but you’re always
with me. Sometimes I think it’s the sweetest pain in the world and
sometimes it almost kills me. But I can’t get rid of it."
I step out
of the sun and take a step toward him. My head starts screaming that I’m
going the wrong way and the voice of logic points out that the door is the
other way, but I move closer and step into his open arms. My heart seems to
be answering his, beating, undulating with something that I can’t prevent.
Dammit, this isn’t going as planned. "I can’t get rid of it
either." I hear myself whisper.
His arms
wrap around me and I close my eyes and inhale. He still smells the same. I
used to lie awake at night wondering if I’d forget the way that he smells.
I would catch a hint of the cologne he wore in a supermarket or in a club
and it would slam into me, making my eyes glaze over and my throat
constrict. It’s the same now. I shudder and breathe deeper and I feel
myself giving in. I’m going to cry on him, just like I always used to. And
he’s going to let me. I can tell because he’s massaging my back and kissing
the top of my head.
Just.
Like. He. USED. To. Do.
I can’t do
it. No, I just can’t do it. I refuse to totally lose it like I want to. I’m
an adult now and I’m not going to have an outburst. I squeeze my eyes
closed tightly and step away from him. He probably looks shocked, but I
can’t bring myself to look at him. God, I feel so empty inside the second
he isn’t touching me anymore. I swallow hard and say, "I came here to
hurt you."
"I
know."
"Did I?" I dare to glance up at him. He’s so beautiful. Why can’t
he ever have a bad day?
"Yes,
Buffy. Just seeing you again has hurt me more than you’ll ever know."
His hands are back in his pockets now. "Is that what you needed?"
"That’s
what I wanted. What I needed was you. All I ever needed, was you." I
sigh and fix my purse strap. It’s time to give him a glimpse of who he
created when he stepped out of my life. "But that doesn’t matter. It
never mattered and I think I can accept that now. I was a kid back then,
Angel. I believed in happy endings and eternal lovers and love. It’s all a
lie. Love is just a word and I don’t believe in anything except me
anymore."
"You
don’t mean that." He says evenly, not letting any emotion penetrate
the calm look on his face. Damn him. How can he be so freaking stoic. Does
he have Oz shoved up his ass? I just gave him a long line of bullshit about
not believing in love, something he taught me about, and he should be down
on his knees begging me not to say that.
"You don’t know me." I say through clenched teeth. "You
haven’t seen me in years. You don’t know who I am anymore."
"If
that’s the case, then leave. I don’t want to know you." He turns
toward the desk and gathers a handful of mail, absently sifting through it.
"Can you see yourself out?"
My eyes
widen. You could probably even say they bulge. How in the hell did this get
turned around on me? I came here to give him an ass chewing and he is
telling me to leave? He’s probably thinking that some kind of reverse
psychology shit is going to work on me. Haha, bucko. I’m majoring in
psychology. "Fine." I shrug indifferently, as though it doesn’t
faze me and wonder when I shoved Oz up MY ass. I’m dying a slow and painful
death inside, but I’m able to maintain my composure. "I won’t say
good-bye, since you have such a problem with that. I’ll just stand here for
a few seconds and let you gaze longingly at me like you did last time. Only
this time, I’ll turn on –MY- heel and walk off."
Saying
nothing, Angel turns around and goes into his office, closing the door
softly behind him. I think I just realized the meaning of seeing red. My
blood is boiling and I swear I think my head is going to explode. I’m
actually dizzy with rage if that makes sense. I will my feet to move and
they finally do. I stomp, loudly, toward the front door. I somehow
underestimate my own strength though, and twist the heel off my shoe,
twisting my ankle at an ugly angle.
Toppling
forward, I crash into a small round table that is holding a vase full of
flowers and together, we slam to the floor. The vase shatters under the
weight of my body, slicing into my upper arm and chest. Knowing Angel is
was some kind of Ming Vase that was worth a million dollars and now it’s
halfway embedded in my breast. Look ma, I got a boob job while I was in LA.
Silicone is so passe.
I think my
dignity is bleeding out because I’m tempted to call for him.
Then I
feel his hands on my waist, pulling me upward. As I turn to face him, he
has a gleeful look on his face that I want to punch off, but then horror
replaces the smile and he shouts, "Oh my god. You’re hurt!"
"I am
fine." I say, dusting my ‘grown up’ suit off. It was a gift from
Giles for a job interview, but now it’s gory enough to be a movie prop for
Scream 8,001. I move to take a step away, intent of leaving in a huff, but
the second I put weight on my ankle, I’m down on my knees in pain. "I
think it’s broken."
"The
vase? Yeah, I’d say so."
"My
ankle, Angel." I grit my teeth against the pain, but I glare at him
menacingly enough that he lifts me and carries me to an elevator with one
of those sliding cage fronts. "If you could just take me to my car, I
would be grateful."
"Well,
if someone gets your car and runs it through the front of the building and
out of the sunlight, I’d be happy to put you in it." He closes the
gate, bracing me on one of his legs and then he supports me fully again.
We descend
really far and I want to ask him questions about where we’re going, but the
throbbing in my foot and now, my arm and chest, is making me fumble over
breathing. Talking at this point isn’t really an option. Finally, the cage
lands with a jerk and I groan. Angel apologizes absently and pulls the gate
back. I refuse to lock my arms around his neck. I want it to be difficult
for him.
He almost
drops me and I grab him. I think he did it on purpose. I hang on until he
puts me on his couch and kneels in front of me. He slides what’s left of my
fancy high heel off and shakes his head. "Why women want to parade
around on stilts is beyond me. These shoes belong in a circus."
"Or
some freak show, right? Just like what we had was." I don’t know where
in the hell that came from.
Angel
glares at me for several seconds and throws my shoe on the couch beside me.
"I’m going to get you some ice for it."
He walks
away. No, he stalks away and I grab my shoe. I’m not sticking around for
any more of this. I can’t handle any more. I’m snapping and it’s going to
get even uglier than it already was. I hop toward the elevator, every
bounce causing me to swear under my breath. It seems like every inch closer
makes the elevator go further away. Blood trickles down my belly and I
really wish I could hurry up and bleed to death at this point. I asked for
a drive-by and a bullet in the back, not a multiple stabbing of my own
doing.
I get to
the elevator and press several buttons. Angel clears his throat behind me
and I turn around. He’s holding a basin full of water and ice and a bottle
of Tylenol. Oh, god, I would break my neck for a couple of those right now.
"You have to pull the gate back." He tells me and puts the bowl
in the floor in front of the couch. He goes back into the kitchen and
returns with a first aid kit, then he strolls casually toward me and pulls
the gate back. "Now, you can get inside and hobble out to your car,
where you will have trouble driving since it is your right foot. Or, you
can come over here and let me bandage it and see about that gash on your
arm. Or you can wait and let me call Wesley to take you to the
hospital."
"I
don’t do hospitals." I mumble, as blood drips off my fingertips and
splats against his hardwood floor. Wood, blood, pain, bruising and loving
Angel are the only constants in my life.
"Fuck
it. I’m helping you." He lifts me again, roughly this time and puts me
on his couch none to gently. He lifts my foot and splashes it in the water
and then he looks up at me. "Take your shirt off."
Christ. I
wasn’t expecting to maim myself when I got dressed today and I am not
wearing a bra. I’m also not wearing much at all under this tailored jacket.
As a matter of fact, I’m wearing nothing under it. The illusion of a blouse
under it is actually a built in collar. This is humiliating and degrading
and owww, my foot is getting frostbite and it’s causing the frost on my
heart to thaw. I want to be hugged and told that it’s okay. I want to get a
band-aid and a kiss, curl up beside him, and fall asleep.
"Do I
have to take it off?" He asks me. His tone tells me that he would try
to do it too and that would probably be painful.
I fumble
with the ornate buttons on the silky fabric. I never knew Giles had such
amazing taste in clothes. He’s going to be devastated that I ripped it
apart. I’m going to fabricate some kind of story where I was almost
shredded by a demon. I guess that’s not a lie. My heart is in Angel’s teeth
and he’s shredding it with his canines.
God, I’m
going to cry. Yep, there it goes. Two tears slide down my cheeks as I peel
open the jacket and slide it over my arms. They run past my chin and down
my neck, mingling with the blood from the cuts. I think that hurts worse
than the cuts. This is just mortifying. I bite my lip and Angel glances up
at me and wets a towel with some bottled water. "I’m going to wipe up
the blood and see how bad the cuts are, okay?"
"Whatever."
I manage to say as I try to keep a firm reign on my emotions. I’m failing
miserably. My chin is quivering and this lump in my throat is going to
suffocate me. And worse, my boobs are shoved in his face, reminding us both
that we can look, but not touch.
Shit, he’s
touching and my nipples are hardening against my will. I cry a little
harder, hoping my inner turmoil will override the graphic images of what
I’d like him to do to me in my head and my breasts will stop betraying me.
He looks up at me and I can see it in his eyes, he’s reading my mind. He
knows exactly what I want. He looks away fast, then gently cups my side,
letting his thumb trail under my breast. Frowning, he clears his throat.
"I think most of it’s okay, but this right under your- uhm, right
along here," He traces the outer swell and then pulls his hand away.
"It’s pretty bad."
I lift my
jacket and cover my chest. Leaning forward, I open the first aid kit and
rummage through it. I find some butterfly bandages and open the package.
I’m going to attempt to bandage it myself, but his big hands cover mine and
he takes it from me. "Buffy, this would be easier if you would lie
down."
I nod and
he stands, grabbing a pillow from a pile in the corner. He lowers me gently
and then stands again. "I’m going to have to clean it. I’ll get you
some water and you can take some of this pain medication. Cordelia tells me
it’s good."
"Okay."
I’m still back at the ‘clean it’ part. I have no idea what he said
after that. All I can think about is how much cleaning it is going to hurt
like a son of a bitch.
He’s back
suddenly, handing me a glass of water and two pills. I shake my head.
"You better make it four."
"Buffy-."
"Angel-"
There it is again, verbal foreplay. Angel, Buffy, oh yes yes yes. I’m sick.
"I think I need several. I’m a Slayer. I can’t take it."
"This
are the PM kind. They’ll make you sleep."
"Then
give me three, but do it now. I’m dying here." I want to slip into a
beautiful oblivion and dream of a time when Angel was my lover, my
companion, and my constant. I take the pills, pop them in my mouth and sip
the water. I finally notice the bottle of peroxide on the table and my eyes
widen. "No!"
"It
kills germs."
"I’m
allergic to it." I lie.
"You’re not a natural blond, Buffy." He replies, turning the lid
on the menacing brown bottle.
Okay, I
wasn’t expecting that. Now I’m thinking about the night he discovered that little
fact. He had ducked his head between my legs and told me he loved kissing
me as a brunette. And god, he kissed me. Long and hard and –
He just
poured half the fucking bottle on me! Oh my god, I’m on fire! No, not my
loins either. I start to leap up, but he’s blocking me so I cry even harder
and beg him. He finally relents and pats me down with a towel that he had
on his lap. Next comes the careful application of the butterfly ‘stitches’
and more humiliation for me. My boob just will not listen to me and it’s
pebbling to a hard little peak, just inches from his nose.
Finally,
he finishes and then moves down to my foot. He slides this fingertips down
the bone in my leg, then presses all over my ankle. "Can you move
it?"
"No."
I’ve covered myself, so I feel less naked, but now I can’t remember if I
shaved my legs. It’s all just one big ulcer with Angel. I swear to god, I’m
surprised my stomach has a lining at all.
He presses
again and then looks at me. "I don’t think it’s broken. It could be,
but I think it’s more or less a bad sprain."
I’m a freak. I hobble around like an invalid over a sprain? I sit up and
move to slip my jacket back on. "I’ll be going then. Thank you
for-."
"You
aren’t going anywhere." Angel replies, lifting my purse, which has my
car keys in it. I watch as he takes it with him into another room and when
he comes back, he doesn’t have it, but he does have a white T-shit in his
hand. He hands it to me. "Put this on and lie back. You took sleeping
medication and you can’t drive."
It’s pointless
to protest. I nod and wait for him to turn his back to me. Oh, it hurts so
much. Not the moving to pull the shirt on, but the reminder of our first
night together. I was hurt and he turned his back when I changed. I never
changed. He undressed me and I stayed that way. When I woke up, he was gone
and I had dressed myself slowly, overcome with fear for him and wonder at
the new road our relationship had taken.
And I gave
you my soul
And every ounce of control
And I gave you my shame
And my eternal flame
And I gave you my need and my seed
Oh my need
Why can't you hold on
"Okay."
I whisper, lying back against the pillow. I guess I am a little tired.
Angel
turns to face me and then glances off in the distance. "I think you’d
be more comfortable in the bed."
"No,
this is fine." It’s really not fine. His couch is rickety and a spring
is threatening to puncture my lung.
He says
nothing, just strolls into his bedroom. I can hear him remaking the bed and
then he gathers me in his arms again and takes me to it. I’m believing in
fairy tales again and it’s sick. Just sick. Part of me, the not wounded
part, wants him to lay me down and make love to me, no matter what the
consequences are. He puts me between the sheets and pulls the cover over
me. "Better?"
"Yeah,
thank you." I study his face for a long minute. Then I yawn.
"Go
to sleep, Buffy." He stalls, like he wants to kiss me and I reach for
him. He takes my hand tentatively and I pull him to sit on the edge of the
bed.
"Angel,
I didn’t mean a lot of what I said." That aching in my throat is back.
I really need a good cry. "I don’t want to hurt you and I do know why
you left me, but you were wrong. You said you couldn’t make love to me, but
you did. Every kiss, every touch and every time you held me, you made love
to me. I felt it. You made love to my soul and my mind. I’m content to have
that. I’ve had sex since you and it doesn’t compare to what you fulfill in
me. I don’t need that. I need you."
"Buffy,
I’m a vampire."
"And
I’m a Slayer. You’re cold and I’m warm. I’m alive and you’re not. You can’t
go in the sun and I can. We’re complete opposites with only one thing in
common. Love. Isn’t that enough? Don’t they make crazy clichés about love
making the world go around and love being able to do anything?" I can
tell he’s about to make another excuse and my heart skips a beat.
"Don’t you want me? Don’t you miss me at all?"
He takes
my hand in both of his and his eyes search mine. I’m a little shocked to
see how watery they’ve become. "I miss you with every fiber of my
being and I want you so much it kills me inside, but you have to think
rationally. You’re going to age and want kids. Life is so short."
"And
mine will probably be shorter. Don’t you want to stop wasting time? We’ve
lost so much time already. I am thinking rationally, Angel. I’m doing what
should have been done a long time ago. I’m begging you. Please, come back
to me? Please, Angel?"
My eyes
are so heavy, I can barely keep them open. I can feel hot tears on my
cheeks again and stare at his face, willing myself to stay awake and hear
his reply. "I never left you." He finally whispers and crawls in
bed beside me. His arms go around me, securing me, anchoring me and I
finally feel like my mind and body can sleep as one; not warring with one
another anymore.
For so
long, I was lost inside and hollow outside. I stared at a stranger in the
mirror and let her dictate my life. I made mistakes, I took crazy chances
on pipe dreams, but every road I set out on, led me here. I came here to
hurt Angel and fell in love with him all over again.
Is that
sobbing I hear? I try to lift my eyes to look at him, to soothe him and
tell him I love him. I hear myself say it, but I don’t know if I thought it
or said it out loud. He holds me tighter and I feel cool tears drop on my
face, mixing with my own drying ones. Then, just before I sleep, I hear
him. He says in a quavering voice, "I love you, Buffy. I love you and
I will never let you go."
He won’t.
I won’t let him. He loves me and I love him. Screw the rules that drove the
wedge between us. Screw everything. We’ve come through every single
obstacle the fates have thrown at us and we’re still so much in love that
it’s like a living entity between us. He’ll be here when I wake up. I know
he will be because he does know me, just like he said, and he knows that I
need that.
Maybe
we’ll find a cure for his soul. Maybe the Powers That Be will concede
defeat and let us be together. Or maybe he’ll become human. I’ll have to
tell him that dream I keep having about food in his bed and ice cream on
his chest. Funny how I know this bedroom by heart and I’ve never been here
before.
Sleep is
coming fast now. He’s whispering things to me that I can’t make out
anymore. It’s going to be okay. I let his voice soothe me into slumber.
For now,
ain’t that enough?
The End
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