The One I Waited For

"Mom, can I ask you a question?" Buffy asked five days later, on New Year's Eve.

She'd recovered almost fully from her brush with death. Buffy was still quite sore from her broken ribs, and still complained of abdominal pain. When Mrs. Summers told her what the doctor said about her uterine tear and the possibility of never being able to have children, Buffy took it hard. She cried for an hour, and Angel said that he didn't care if she couldn't have children; all that mattered to him was that she was okay.

"That's not important to me. You are," Angel told her.

Buffy sniffled. "If someone had said this to me a year ago, it wouldn't have made a difference. I didn't think I had a future, much less the chance to have children. But now? I want it, so badly. I have a future and I want children. *Your* children."

It nearly broke his heart. Buffy wanted to raise a family with him, but now, it seemed they'd lost that chance. She was distraught enough; finding out that their child didn't survive her battle with Carolyn might send her over the edge. So, he told her that there were doctors who specialize in infertility, or they could always adopt a child. Then Angel reminded Buffy that Doctor Thomas said it was only a possibility; it wasn't one hundred percent positive that she couldn't have children.

"What is it, honey?" Mrs. Summers asked.

"While I was unconscious, what was it like? How did everyone react?"

She could see what Buffy was getting at. "You mean, did we miss you? Of course we did. You're important to all of us, you know that."

Buffy shook her head. "Like, did you guys continue on with your everyday lives?"

"We were upset, to say the least. Your father stayed in town for a week before he had to go back to work. But he came to visit every weekend. Willow and Cordelia visited as often as they could. I was here everyday after work and Angel was here all day long."

"Oh."

"It was hard for us to concentrate on anything while you were in the coma. You were always first in my thoughts. I spent many sleepless nights worrying about you."

"Were you sad?"

"What do you think? We all were sad, Buffy. You can't possibly think we weren't concerned or worried?"

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know what to think. I just don't if I was always alone or if somebody was here with me the entire time."

"You were never alone. If I wasn't here, Angel was. He never once left you alone when he could be with you. I think he was most upset by your being here. He hardly got any sleep," Mrs. Summers told her.

"I had to tell him to shave. I didn't like his little beard thingy. It tickled me. Was he really here all the time?"

"Yes. The only time he left was to go home and sleep. He felt so guilty for your injuries."

"Why? He didn't do it."

"I know it, you know it, everyone knows it but him. I think a lot of it has to do with your father."

Buffy raised an eyebrow with curiosity. "What happened with Dad?"

Her mother waited a moment before beginning. "He blamed everything on Angel. Said that he pushed you against that building because of an argument you two were having."

"He'd never do that."

"Your father doesn't know how close you and Angel are. He only knows what he believes to be true. And when he found out how badly you were hurt, Hank took his anger out on Angel. I think Angel believed him."

"I'm going to kill Dad next time I see him. Angel's insecure enough as it is, he doesn't need Dad putting things in his head."

Mrs. Summers agreed. "It was wrong of him to do that. He even told me that he doesn't want you seeing Angel anymore."

"What?" Buffy screeched. "Dad can't do that. Doesn't he know how much I love Angel? I would, and will never, break up with him!"

Putting her fingers on her lips, Mrs. Summers said, "Calm down, Buffy. I don't want you to get overexcited. Angel is not going to leave you. Trust me on this."

Buffy nodded. "I guess you're right. He's had plenty of opportunities to leave and he's still around."

"Does that answer all of your questions?"

She smiled. "Almost. But I think Angel's keeping something from me."

`That baby.' "When you are ready, I am sure he will tell you everything."

********

The gang sat around Giles' living room, helping the Watcher reorganize his Watcher Diaries, which had fallen from the bookshelf two days earlier during an earthquake.

"Angel," Willow began. "Are you coming to the Bronze tonight?"

He shook his head. "No, sorry."

"Spending New Year's Eve all by yourself?" Nicole whispered in his ear. She sat next to him on the floor, facing away from the rest of the group. "Because I can always come over and we can start the new millennium with a bang, if you know what I mean."

"No, thank you." He tried hard to be civil to her, but her constant mechanisms to get him into bed with her were beginning to piss him off. How much would it take for her to understand that he was committed to Buffy?

Nicole ran her had across his leg. "I'm sure I could teach you a few things you could pass on to Princess."

"Leave me alone," he hissed under his breath.

Cordelia stood up. "Hey, Nicole, can you help me grab some more books from Giles' office?"

"Sure."

They walked to the back room of the apartment. When they'd entered, Cordelia closed the door behind them. "We need to have a little chat, Nicole."

"Really? About what?" She wasn't intimidated by Cordelia's tone of voice.

"The ethics of boyfriend stealing. Especially when it's one of my best friends' boyfriend."

Nicole shot her a look. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Give it up. I've seen how you look at Angel, how you leer at him. The way you always find a reason to sit next to him or touch him. I heard what you just said to him, about wanting to ring in the New Year with him. I'm telling you to forget it, girlfriend. Angel's devoted to Buffy and in no way is he going to jeopardize her love for him by having a one-night stand with you."

"Whatever." She made a move to leave.

Cordelia grabbed her by the upper arm. "Consider this a warning. Stay away from Buffy and Angel. Things are hard enough for them without you complicating it."

"Sure," Nicole sneered.

"But, then again, why would he even bother with a ho like you? Buffy's everything you're not. She's beautiful, smart, funny, nice, sweet… and do you know what else she has that you don't?" She didn't wait for a reply. "Angel's love. You'll never get that, no matter what little tricks you pull."

Nicole placed her hands on her hips. "Are you done?"

"Yes."

"Good. Thanks for the warning. But we'll see who wins."

********

Angel knocked lightly on Buffy's door. She looked up from the TV and grinned. "Hi! What are you doing here?"

"I got permission from Doctor Thomas to spend New Year's Eve with you. Is that okay?"

"I was hoping you'd come by. It would have been awful sitting here alone in this bed, ringing in the New Year by myself."

He gave her a soft, loving kiss. "Would never happen. I'll be right here all night."

"Do I get to kiss you at midnight?" she asked hopefully.

"If you want. I wouldn't say no."

They snuggled next to each other in Buffy's bed. He put his arm around her shoulders, holding her as close as he could without disturbing the machines she was connected to. For three hours, they sat in the bed watching the festivities on the television.

At five to midnight, Angel stood up. "Where are you going?" Buffy wanted to know.

"I-I don't know how to start this. I had a whole speech prepared, but now it's gone."

Buffy was confused. "Speech? What?"

He took a deep, nervous breath, trying to think of the right words to say. "I love you so much, Buffy. Before you, I never felt like that. You make me feel like a man, something I never thought I was. And I'm amazed by it, by the fact you love me and you're still with me after all the heartache I've caused you. You could never know who much it means to me.

"Buffy, you are the reason I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night. You're always in my dreams. You're my whole world and everything in it. Nobody can ever make me feel the way you do – loved, complete and worthy. When you're not around, it's like a piece of me is missing. I know that sometimes I do stupid things, but you've always looked past my faults. You see the real me.

"At first, when I met you, what I wanted from you I thought I could never have. I'm the luckiest man in the world because I have that; I have everything I wanted out of life. Only one more thing will make my lifelong dream come true.

"I was going to do this on Christmas, but circumstances beyond my control kept it from happening. This isn't the way I wanted to do this, or the place. It's not exactly romantic, but tonight is, I think, is the perfect night to do it." Angel took the velvet box out of his pocket and opened it. Down on one knee, he held the box out for Buffy to see. "Buffy Anne Summers, will you marry me?"

She couldn't breathe. His proposal came out of the blue, she didn't know what to say. "Y-you want to marry me?" she choked out.

"Yes. More than anything else. I want to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of my life. I want to raise a family with you and grow old with you. What do you say, will you make me the happiest and luckiest man alive by marrying me?"

Tears ran down her cheeks. She was so happy, words couldn't describe it. "Yes! Of course, yes!"

Angel put the two carat diamond ring on her finger, kissed it, then looked her in the eye. "I never thought you'd say yes."

"How could I not?" She wrapped her arms gingerly around his neck, kissing him with all the love she felt for him. In the background, the crowd on the television cheered as the ball dropped, marking the first minute of the new millennium.

********

Three days after she got engaged to Angel, Buffy went home. Her accelerated healing abilities left Doctor Thomas amazed. Never in his twenty-five years of being a medical professional had he seen a patient recover so quickly from such serious injuries. On January 3rd, he signed her release papers.

"Good luck," he told her. "If you feel any discomfort, don't hesitate to call."

Buffy smiled. "I won't. Thank you so much, Doctor."

"It was my pleasure. I'll be waiting for my invitation to your wedding."

"You're on the list of guests, I guarantee it."

After shaking his hand, the nurse wheeled Buffy out to the front entrance, where Mrs. Summers was waiting with the Jeep. Carefully, she helped her into the vehicle, and before long, the two women were on their way home.

"I want you to rest, Buffy," Mrs. Summers said.

She sighed. "I've been resting for the past week. Mom, I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You just woke up from a coma over a week ago. You're still weak and need to take it easy. Please don't argue with me, honey. Don't rush to get back to slaying."

"When I'm better, I have to," Buffy informed her mother. "I am the Slayer, it's my job."

"Let Nicole do it. She obviously likes doing her job. You can finally put an end to this madness and live a normal life."

Buffy scoffed. "Is there any such thing as a normal life? There's not."

"Then you'll have as close to a normal life as you can have without the slaying. You can be a normal girl."

"I'm not normal. I'll never be normal."

"Try, at least. None of us want you to get hurt again. You've got a bright future ahead of you. A family that loves you, friends that care about you, and a young man who wants to spend his life with you. Don't you owe it to all those people to stay safe?"

"Fine. I'll try, but I won't promise anything."

Mrs. Summers gave her daughter a smile. "That's all I'm asking."

Angel's convertible, Oz's van and Cordelia's Dodge Cirrus were parked out front when Mrs. Summers and Buffy pulled into their driveway. Buffy beamed. "Everyone's here."

"I hope you don't mind; I invited them over. They were all so excited about you coming home that I thought they should be here for your homecoming."

"Thanks."

The front door opened and everyone came out onto the front porch. Willow held up a sign that read WELCOME HOME BUFFY! Angel made his way down the walk, helping Buffy step out of the car when he reached her. As she stepped out, he slipped her engagement ring back on her finger. She hadn't felt safe wearing it at the hospital for fear of someone stealing it while she slept. So she made Angel keep it until she came home, and then they would tell everyone the good news.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Better, now that I'm home. And even better than better because you're here and your ring is back on my finger."

He returned her smile and wrapped his arm around her waist, helping her walk to the porch. The gang, practically everyone she cared about – Giles, Willow, Oz, Geoffrey, Xander, Cordelia and Nicole – broke out in smiles as they climbed up the steps. Willow was the first to embrace her. In putting her arms around her best friend, Buffy's ring became noticeable to the others.

"Oh my god!" Cordelia exclaimed. "Where on earth did you get that rock?"

Buffy couldn't help but grin as she looked at her diamond ring. "Angel gave it to me."

"That's one heck of a welcome home present," commented Oz.

Buffy and Angel exchanged glances. "Should we tell them?" she asked.

"If you'd like to."

"Okay." She turned to her friends. "Angel asked me to marry him and I said yes."

The stared in surprise for a couple moments before breaking out in congratulations. Willow gave her another hug, Cordelia joined in, sandwiching the engaged Slayer, but they were careful not to put too much pressure on her. Oz, Xander, Geoffrey and Giles congratulated Angel, patting him on the back. With Mrs. Summers already inside preparing for the party, Nicole hung back, watching with disdain.

'I'd better make my move. And fast,' she decided.

********

"Have you guys set a date yet?" Willow wanted to know, once they were all situated inside the house.

Buffy shook her head. "No, not yet. It probably won't be for a few years. We're going to wait until I finish college, but I have a feeling that Angel and I will be moving in together very soon, as long as it's okay with my mom. I don't want to leave her alone."

"You are so lucky," Cordelia told her. "When did he propose? Was it as romantic as you hoped? Did he get down on one knee? Did you say yes right away?"

She laughed softly, careful not to put any unnecessary pressure on her abdomen. "One question at a time, Cordy. It was New Year's Eve and he asked me right before midnight. Maybe it wouldn't have seemed romantic to you, but to me, it couldn't have been more so. Angel stood up just before midnight and started talking about how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. Then he got down on one knee and proposed. Of course I said yes right away."

"Wow," Willow said. "Your ring is so beautiful."

"Yeah," she replied. "Angel doesn't like to do things halfway."

"Apparently not. Geez, rich, handsome, romantic, and utterly devoted to you. Buffy, you've got it made," said Cordelia.

"I'm just lucky, I guess."

Nicole couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't stand the way everyone treated Buffy as if she were some kind of goddess or something. She hated pretending she was glad the Slayer was back, pretending to care about her health when she hoped she'd died in the hospital. Saying a quick goodbye, the new Slayer left the Summers' house.

'God-damned bitch acts like she's the queen of the world. So what if she was in a coma for a month? It's obvious she isn't a very good Slayer if she almost died. And what makes it even worse is the way Angel treats her like she's the most precious thing he's ever seen. The way he looks at her makes me sick. So full of love…he should be looking at me that way, not Buffy. It isn't fair. I'm ten times the woman she is. He will be mine, no matter what it takes.'

********

Everyone left at nine o'clock, leaving only Buffy, Angel and Mrs. Summers at the house. Buffy's mother insisted that they go upstairs while she cleaned up after the party. Angel wanted to help, but she said no, telling him that he needed some time alone with her daughter.

"I think she's ready to hear everything," Mrs. Summers said. "Tell Buffy about the baby."

She was right. Buffy deserved to know, he could no longer keep it a secret from her. Once upstairs in her room, Angel made her sit down on the bed.

"What's wrong, Angel? What's with the dire?" Buffy asked.

He sat next to her, taking her small hands in his. "You don't know everything that happened with my mother."

"Tell me, then."

"It's hard, Buffy, but you need to know, because it affected both of us."

Buffy gave him a curious look. "Why are you being so cryptic? Just tell me. I can handle it."

Angel took a deep breath, dreading what he had to say. "I love you, more because of everything that happened to us, because of everything we lost due to my mother's vengeance."

"Angel?"

"Remember that day? You were sick because of food poisoning?" Buffy nodded. "It wasn't because you ate bad tuna. You were pregnant, Buffy."

She didn't respond right away. She stared into his brown eyes, so full of love, hurt and regret. The sadness in them was apparent to her, but she didn't understand why. "Pregnant? I'm having a baby?"

He shook his head sadly. This was what hurt him the most. "No. The baby…he-he didn't make it. You had a miscarriage." Tears sprung from his eyes.

Buffy's lower lip trembled. Without knowing it, her hand reached to touch her belly, now empty, which at one time carried a helpless baby. A feeling of emptiness came over her. Within moments, tears ran down her cheeks. Angel held her in his arms as he let her cry on his shoulder. Fresh tears of his own fell; they grieved the loss of the child they never knew.

She lifted her head. "I'm so sorry," she apologized through her tears.

"For what? You have nothing to apologize for."

"I can't seem to do anything right. We were going to have a baby. A little baby we made together, you and me. And I lost it. And we can never have another one. All because of me."

"This isn't your fault, Buffy. Your injuries were too severe and our son couldn't make it. That has nothing to do with you."

"Son? We were going to have a boy?" Knowing the sex of their lost baby made it all the more real to her.

"Yes. You were almost three months along, and the doctor said you were going to have a boy."

She began weeping again. "Our son. We'll never get to see him. Would he have looked like you? Would he have you hair and your eyes? Would he be tall like you? We will never know. Never hear his first words; never see him crawl or walk; never see him on his first day of school; never see him in a school play; never see him go on his first date, go to Prom or graduate high school. Or get married or have children. We'll never be grandparents."

"Buffy, we'll be able to do all those things. Maybe we weren't meant to this time, but there will be another time, other opportunities for those dreams to come true."

"No, there won't. We can't have any children. Or, I can't have children, Angel. I want to have your baby. I want it to grow inside me and I've lost my only chance to be the mother of your children."

Angel put his hand underneath her chin, lifting her head up. "You gave me a child, Buffy. And we'll have more, I promise."

"If you don't want to marry me, I'll understand," she said in a small voice.

He kissed her lips, salty from her tears. "Of course I want to marry you. I love you, I don't care if you can't give me children of my own. We'll adopt if we have to. But I'm not going to leave you because of something like that."

"You mean that?"

"I want to spend forever with you; I have since I first saw you. And I knew about all this before I asked you to marry me. If it was a problem or something I couldn't deal with, I wouldn't have proposed. I still want to be with you. Nothing's changed, you're still the woman I love."

They embraced each other, crying until they fell asleep in Buffy's bed. Angel held her all night; he didn't want to let her go, didn't want to lose her as they'd lost their child.

********

A week after Buffy's birthday, on January 26th, Mrs. Summers found a letter addressed to Buffy in their mailbox. "Buffy!" she called upstairs to her daughter, who sat in her bedroom. "You have mail!"

Buffy put down her Psychology book. She'd started the second semester of her freshman year a few days before and was already trying to get ahead, considering all the school she'd missed in November and December. In order to receive full credit for those courses she'd missed out on, Buffy had to re-take them.

"Coming!" she said as she made her way down the stairs. It was a month since she'd woken up from her coma, and she still wasn't back to her full strength. Due to her weakened state, Angel and Giles refused to let her patrol. Nicole took over the slaying duties.

Mrs. Summers handed her the letter once Buffy reached her side. "It's from England."

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "I don't know anyone in England." She looked at the return address, recognizing it from an envelope she'd seen on Giles' desk. "It's from the Watcher's Council."

"A birthday card, maybe? They're a little late, your birthday was last week."

She shook her head in disagreement. "I don't think so. The Council has never sent me one before. Why would they start at nineteen? It doesn't make sense."

"Why don't you open it up and find out," suggested her mother.

Buffy tore the envelope open, pulling out the letter inside. As she read it over, she knew that it was not a letter wishing her a Happy Birthday. Far from it, in fact. She read it twice, unable to believe what she was reading.

DEAR MISS SUMMERS,

THE WATCHER'S COUNCIL OF ENGLAND WAS DEEPLY DISTRAUGHT OVER THE INJURIES YOU SUFFERED DURING BATTLE. THE LOSS OF OUR MOST POWERFUL SLAYER , EVEN IF ONLY FOR A SHORT WHILE, AFFECTED US IMMENSELY. IT IS WITH THE UTMOST REGRET AND SORROW THAT WE SEND YOU THIS LETTER.

THE COUNCIL GRIEVES THE LOSS OF YOUR CHILD, AS DO YOU, ANGEL REILLY AND YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. THERE IS NO GREATER LOSS THAN THE LOSS OF A CHILD. HE OR SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN EXTRAORDINARY, A GREAT ASSET TO US, WITH THE STRENGTH THIS CHILD MIGHT HAVE INHERITED FROM ITS PARENTS. WE ARE DEEPLY SADDENED BY THE LOSS OF THIS GREAT WARRIOR IN OUR FIGHT AGAINST EVIL.

HOWEVER, IN THE INTERESTS OF OUR FIGHT, WE FEEL THAT IT WOULD BE BEST FOR ALL PARTIES IF NICOLE BAKOWSKI, THE YOUNG GIRL CALLED DURING YOUR INCAPACITATION, WERE TO TAKE OVER THE DUTIES OF SLAYER. THE WATCHER'S COUNCIL THANKS YOU FOR YOUR DEDICATION TO YOUR CALLING. MISS SUMMERS, YOU ARE A CREDIT TO US AND HAVE SERVED US WELL. WE WISH YOU WELL IN THE FUTURE.

CORDIALLY YOURS,

GEORGE P. SMYTHE

COUNCIL HEAD

She could only stare at the letter, not noticing how her hand trembled, causing the letter to fall to the ground. Mrs. Summers picked it up, reading it over. She hugged her daughter, who shook with pure shock. Out of the blue, she'd been fired from her job as Slayer. Her destiny, her calling, had been snatched away without warning.

"Buffy, I wish I knew what to say. I'm sorry."

She looked up at her mother. "They didn't want me anymore. I'm not good enough to be a Slayer."

"Don't say that. Of course you are."

Buffy closed her eyes, pondering her future, now limitless. "What will I do now?"

"This is a blessing, honey. Now you can have a normal life. You can do anything you want."

"I guess. But who am I if I'm not the Slayer?" she asked.

"You're Buffy Summers, daughter, fiancee and friend. You'll be you. Buffy, you are not going to change personally. Maybe you're lifestyle will change, but you will still be the same."

She thought about it for a minute. "You think so? I won't change?"

"No, you won't."

"Thanks." She started back up the stairs.

"Where are you going?"

She stopped. "To call Giles and find out if he knew about this."

In her bedroom, Buffy picked up her telephone and dialed her Watcher. 'Former Watcher. I'm not his Slayer anymore.' He picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Giles, it's me. Buffy."

"Buffy, hello. How have you been?"

She sighed. "Peachy. Except for this letter I got from the Watcher's Council today. What's going on? Why am I not the Slayer anymore? Why did they suddenly fire me?"

"I just received a letter myself from them."

"What did it say about me? Did they tell you why?" she wanted to know.

"All it said was that I am to focus my attention on Nicole and that you are no longer the Slayer."

"That's it? No explanation? I've been fighting vampires and demons for four years and now, all of a sudden, I'm a liability? I don't get it. I lose one fight, I lose my baby and I lose my job, too?"

"I wish I knew what to say to you, Buffy, but I don't."

A question entered her mind. "How did they know, Giles?"

"About what?"

"The baby. They said they're upset about the loss of my baby. He'd have been a warrior. How could they have known? I didn't tell them. Did you?"

"No, I didn't. I can only speculate that the Council got a hold of your hospital records. It wouldn't be the first time." Giles paused for a moment. "You have been through a great deal lately, you don't deserve to be treated like this."

"The Council doesn't care about me or my baby. They never did. And they made it crystal clear."

********

"This is a good thing, Buffy," Angel told her later that day.

"How?"

"Now you won't be in danger everyday. I won't have to stay awake all night worrying if you're okay. We can just be a normal couple. We can start planning for the wedding, get stuff ready."

She only looked at him. "You're still part of all that stuff, you're a Watcher."

"I'm not a Watcher twenty four hours a day. My first priority is you. It always will be, no matter what."

Buffy wrapped her arms around him, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss. As his hand ran up her back to the nape of her neck, tangling in her hair, Buffy began to undo the buttons on his shirt. Angel gently pushed her away.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I can't do this."

His words were reminiscent of when he returned from England, and Buffy had wanted to make love to him. He was doing the same thing again – saying no. Only this time, there was no reason to. "Why?"

"Not now."

"That's not a reason, Angel. I want to be with you, I want to take comfort in you. It's been so long since we made love."

"You're not strong enough yet."

"Yes, I am. If I wasn't strong enough, I'd know it. Please."

He shook his head. "No, Buffy," he said forcefully.

Buffy narrowed her eyes. "My being weak isn't the reason, is it?" she demanded. "It's me. You don't want to be with me. I disgust you; repulse you."

Her statement caught him off-guard. "What?"

"I'm not pretty anymore. It's the scar. It makes you sick; I make you sick. Just admit it."

"Do you think I'm that self-centered? The scar isn't bad, Buffy."

"Yeah, right. You can't even look me in the eye when you say that. I'm horribly ugly and you can't bear to touch me because of it."

He hated what she was saying to him, the accusations she threw. "If you think it's so ugly, think you're so ugly, then go to a plastic surgeon. I'll pay for it if it'll make you feel better."

"Now you're telling me to have reconstructive surgery? I thought you loved me!" she shouted.

"I do!"

"No, you loved the old me, the one without the scar on her cheek.You said it yourself, you fell in love with me at first sight. Apparently my looks don't please you now."

Angel growled. It was something he only did when he was angry. "I fell in love with more than just your face. I love your soul. Maybe at first it was your looks, but I love you. All of you."

"If you loved all of me, you'd show me."

"I thought I had."

"Then make love to me. Show me."

"No."

Her face was red with anger. "This is about more than just my scar. You won't sleep with me because you can't stand the fact that it won't be fruitful."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, please. No matter how many times we have sex, nothing will ever come out of it. I'll never be able to give you children and you hate me for that," Buffy accused.

"I don't care about that. I don't need children to be happy."

She sneered. "Sure you don't. I never once saw you cry over the loss of our son."

"I cried, Buffy. Everyday."

"And now you're staying with me out of guilt? You got me pregnant and I lost the baby. And the only reason you're still around is because you feel guilty for knocking me up!"

Angel had to hold himself back from slapping her. Her words were so hurtful. "How can you say that?!"

"It's the truth, isn't it? I sure as hell don't hear you denying it."

"Do you want me to deny it?"

"I don't need you to. I know the truth. I see who you really are. You don't care about me, you never did. All I was to you was some girl you got to fall hopelessly in love with you. Someone you could get into bed. Well, congratulations! It worked!" Buffy screamed.

He glared at her, seeing the hatred in her eyes. "I love you. But apparently you're not the girl I thought you were. You're acting like a brat."

"And you are so perfect, right?" she shot back. "Do I need to bring up the fact that you tried to rape me?"

It was like a slap in the face. Her words stung. "That was a low blow."

"What's the matter? The truth hurt? Because it is the truth. You held me to the couch and forced me to have sex with you!"

"You know what really happened. I apologized for my actions and you forgave me."

"What's that saying? Hindsight is twenty-twenty, Angel. You're nothing but a no-good, arrogant, lying rapist. And I want you out of my house; out of my life!"

Angel, so angered by everything she said, didn't object. "That's fine with me. I don't want to be here any more than you want me here. At least I finally got to see your true colors before I married you. Buffy, you really are a spoiled brat. All you ever cared about was yourself. You haven't changed at all from the girl you claim you used to be."

Buffy followed him to the front door. "Angel?" she said as he opened the door.

"What?" he asked, in a softer tone of voice.

She yanked the engagement ring off her finger, putting it in his hand. "You can have this back. I don't want it anymore."

Without a word, he left the house, slamming the door behind him. Buffy stood there for a minute, staring at the door. When she glanced down at her bare ring finger, the realization of what had happened hit her like a ton of bricks. She sank to the ground, crying.

Mrs. Summers, who'd heard the raised voices from outside in the backyard, ran to her daughter's side. "What's wrong, Buffy? Why are you crying?"

She sobbed. "Angel and I had a fight. I told him to leave and he did. We broke up."

Her mother hugged her. "It'll be okay."

"I lost him. He's gone for good this time."

********

Buffy stayed in her room for the rest of the night. No matter how many times her mother pleaded with her to come out, she wouldn't. By far, she considered it to be one of the worst days of her life. Not only had she lost her destiny, but she lost the only person who would ever understand her.

"Honey, please, come out!" her mother begged.

"No."

"You need to eat something to keep your strength up."

"I'm not hungry." It was the truth. All she could think about were Angel's words to her. Had she really deserved to be called a spoiled brat? Was it the truth? Thinking about it almost made her sick to her stomach. As did the words she said to him. She never meant them, but she was hurting so much, and wanted him to feel the same way.

Mrs. Summers gave up. Buffy was upset, she understood it. Breaking up with the man you love hurt like nothing that could even be described. She knew, she'd been there. And she wanted to console her daughter, but Buffy would have none of it.

In the solace of her bedroom, Buffy stared at the ceiling. She'd been like that ever since Angel left. She couldn't move, didn't want to move. All she wanted to do was forget that the day had ever happened. Then she would not have received the thoughtless letter from the Watcher's Council and wouldn't have lost her fiancee. She could live without the Council in her life, but could she live without Angel as well?

// I had it all

But I let it slip away

Couldn't see I treated you wrong

Now I wander around

Feeling down and cold

Trying to believe that you're gone \\

The local radio station, KSNL, decided to make that night their sappy, depressing love song night. Every song they played reminded her of Angel. This one particularly, made her feel utterly horrible, because it described that day so well. Buffy felt what Mariah Carey was singing. Would they ever be able to forgive each other? Could they work past this stumbling block in their relationship?

// Love takes time

To heal when you're hurting so much

Couldn't see that I was blind

To let you go

I can't escape the pain

Inside

Love takes time

I don't want to be here alone \\

Alone. The thought of spending her life alone frightened Buffy. Before Angel came along, she never thought she had a future. Her life revolved around slaying. Even Kevin, her optimistic ex-boyfriend, couldn't make her believe in a normal future. His optimism always reminded her that he could live without the worry of being struck down by a foe, vampire or demon every day. But not her, that wasn't her life. She couldn't live up to his expectations; she couldn't be the happy-go-lucky girlfriend he wanted her to be. Buffy lived every day in fear of what might become of her.

Then Angel stepped into her life. He gave her hope for a future. Slaying didn't have to be her whole life; she didn't have to pretend to be someone she wasn't. With him, Buffy could be herself. Angel understood who she was, her calling, and helped her see that life was worth living. His love and devotion made her believe in the future. And she didn't want any of it without him.

// Losing my mind

From this hollow in my heart

Suddenly I'm so incomplete

Lord, I'm needing you now

Tell me how to stop the rain

Tears are coming down endlessly \\

Angel sat on his couch, staring with sadness at the ring he held between his thumb and pointer finger. It sparkled in the light, a rainbow of color filling his vision. The ring was exquisite, like the girl whose finger it belonged on. Buffy was the most beautiful person he'd ever met, both inside and out. And he missed her presence.

Geoffrey stepped out of his room. He was dressed for his dinner with Joyce Summers, whom he began seeing three weeks earlier. "Are you okay, Angel? You came home an hour ago and never said anything."

"Everything's all screwed up."

"Why?" He glanced down at the ring. "Isn't that Buffy's engagement ring? Why isn't she wearing it?"

Tears stung Angel's eyes. "Because it's over."

// Love takes time

To heal when you're hurting so much

Couldn't see that I was blind

To let you go

I can't escape the pain

Inside

'Cause love takes time

And I don't want to be here alone \\

"What do you mean?" Geoffrey asked.

"Just what I said. Buffy and I had a fight and we broke up."

"She gave you back the ring?"

He nodded. "Uh-huh. I finally found out what she really thinks of me. She doesn't care about me at all. And she lied to me."

"About what?"

"She lied about forgiving me," he divulged, wiping his eyes. "Buffy never forgave me for what I did in L.A.. She called me a rapist. I thought she understood, but she didn't. She really does hate me for what I did."

"I'm sure Buffy only said those things in the heat of the moment. Being angry, she did not mean it."

"She meant every word. The things she said, they hurt. Words aren't supposed to be hurtful, but you know what? They are, especially when they come from the person you love the most."

"Why don't you call her and talk about it? You two can work things out," Geoffrey suggested.

Angel disagreed. "She told me to get out of her life and gave me back the ring. I think we're beyond working things out." He stood up, grabbing his leather jacket.

"Where are you going?"

Angel turned to him. "I need to be alone. Clear my head."

// You might say that it's over

You might say that you don't care

You might say you don't miss me

You don't need me

But I know that you do and I feel that you do

Inside

Love takes time

To heal when you're hurting so much

Couldn't see that I was blind

To let you go

I can't escape the pain

Inside

'Cause love takes time

And I don't want to be there, I don't want to be there alone \\

********

Angel combed the streets of Sunnydale looking for something to kill. He needed to let his aggressions out, and hoped that staking a few vampires would make him feel a little better. But he knew that no matter how many of them he dusted, he'd never feel better. Nothing would do that until he spoke to Buffy.

He debated calling her when he'd gotten home, but decided against it. They were both so angry before and Angel doubted they'd ever be able to work things out with everything so fresh in their minds. No way was he going to make the first move. He would wait until Buffy called him.

"Well well well. Look who's out," he heard a voice say.

Turning around, he found Nicole standing a few feet away. "Nicole."

"What, no Princess?" she asked sweetly. "I thought you two were attached at the hip these days."

"That's none of your business."

"Aww…did you two have a fight?"

"Just go away. I'm not in the mood," hissed Angel.

She simply smiled. "Perhaps I can get you in the mood." Nicole moved closer to him. "When was the last time Princess gave you any? November? That's an awfully long time to go without."

"Nicole…" he warned. He didn't want to play her games.

"Come on. Right here, I'll be gentle. You can find out what it's like to be with a real woman instead of a girl."

Angel grabbed her by the shoulders, pushing her hard against a brick building. He held her wrists tightly on either side of her, holding her to the wall with her hips. "I thought you liked it rough."

"Whatever. I'll take you any way I can get you."

"Even like this?"

"It's even better like this. Fuck me like the wild stallion Princess says you are. Prove it to me, do it. Right here," Nicole commanded in a deep, sensual voice. She pressed her groin against his to prove her point.

He ground his groin against hers in turn. He used his knees to pry her legs apart, and Nicole began to place wet kisses on his jaw and neck. When he started to unbutton her jeans, she knew she'd finally won. Even if it would only be a one-night stand, Nicole could still rub their tryst in Buffy's face.

As suddenly as he started, Angel stopped undressing her. He hadn't even finished unbuttoning her pants when he pulled his hand away. "What are you doing?" Nicole demanded.

"I don't want you. I never did."

"Yeah, right. That's not what your body tells me."

He looked her dead in the eye. "Buffy and I may have broken up, but you still don't have a chance in hell with me. I wouldn't have sex with you if we were the last two people alive." Angel stalked away toward home.

Nicole slammed her fist against the brick. She'd been so close. 'I'll get him back. And I don't even have to screw him, either. I have all the ammunition I need already. He will never get Buffy back in his life if I have anything to say about it. That'll teach him to mess with me. If I can't have Angel, nobody will. Not even his precious Buffy. He'll pay dearly for what he just did. Nobody rejects me.'

********

"I'm leaving," Angel informed Giles two months later, at the beginning of April.

He looked at the young man in surprise. "What? Why?"

"Sunnydale. I can't stay here anymore if I'm not wanted."

"Of course you're wanted here, Angel. What would ever make you think otherwise?"

"It—it's time to move on. There's no need for three Watchers, and two Slayers as well," Angel said. "So, as of tomorrow morning, I'll be leaving for Cleveland."

"Have you told the Council of your decision?" asked Giles. This was the last thing he expected; the last thing he wanted. He thought Angel loved living in Sunnydale.

Angel nodded. "Yes. I called them last week and they were fine with it. Everything's been taken care of."

"How long will you be gone?"

He shrugged. "I don't know if I'll be coming back. I can't stay here any longer. It's time for me to move on."

Giles took a deep breath before asking his next question. "Does Buffy know yet?"

"No," Angel replied quickly. "I wasn't planning on telling her. We're ex, remember?"

"She'll want to know. Buffy cares about you."

"When she told me to get out of her life, she meant it. And now I am."

He understood the reason for Angel's desire for relocation. "You're leaving because of her, aren't you?"

"That's part of the reason, yes. I just can't stay here anymore. You can't talk me out of it, Giles. Geoffrey already tried and failed."

"Have you thought about working things out with Buffy? Talking to her at least? You don't need to move because you two broke up."

Angel shook his head. "I've called and I've talked to Joyce, but Buffy's either not there or doesn't want to talk. We said things to each other that we probably shouldn't have said. Neither of us have taken those things back. It's over between us. Apparently we never really knew each other. Maybe it's better this way. We could have made a huge mistake."

"She will be heartbroken if you leave without telling her," Giles said.

Angel frowned. "She probably won't know the difference. Buffy's seeing someone. I'm just a memory to her."

"Don't think that, Angel."

"It's the truth. Look, I have a lot of things to do before tomorrow, not to mention that I haven't started packing yet. I should get going."

"Will you keep in touch?"

Nodding his head, Angel gave his mentor one last hug. "I'll call and check up on things. Take care, Giles."

"You, too. Have a safe trip."

********

"He's what?!" exclaimed Mrs. Summers.

"Leaving Sunnydale," repeated Geoffrey.

They sat at the kitchen table in Angel's apartment. Technically, it was Geoffrey's apartment now; Angel signed it over to his mother's Watcher a few days earlier. With him leaving for Ohio, he had no need for it.

"Why is he doing that?"

Geoffrey laughed shortly. "Take a guess, Joyce."

"Buffy. Dammit, she's being so stubborn. I keep telling her to talk to him when he calls, but she always refuses. Despite that, she's miserable without him. The guy she's going out with now, Riley, he doesn't make her happy. I see the twinkle in her eye whenever I mention Angel's name. But she doesn't react at all when I bring up Riley. Buffy's still in love with Angel."

"He loves her, too. Both of them are too pig-headed to make the first move. And he's about to leave, possibly forever," Geoffrey said.

Mrs. Summers shook her head. "If Angel leaves, it'll kill Buffy. I know it will."

"They have to work things out on their own. We cannot force them to get back together."

"Yeah, I know. But come tomorrow, they might lose that chance."

"That all depends on them. If they're destined to be together, it'll happen. Maybe Angel has to leave for them to grow closer. Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"I don't want to see my baby hurt."

Geoffrey put his arm around her. "Neither do I. But we can't do anything about it. This is up to Buffy and Angel to work out."

********

Buffy ran downstairs when the doorbell rang. She'd been in her room trying to decide what to wear to the Bronze. Willow had invited her and Riley for a night out. Since the Dingoes were playing, Buffy figured her friend wanted them to keep her company.

When she opened the door, she saw Nicole standing on the other side. "Hi, Nicole. What's up?"

"Giles said you wanted to borrow a book on demonic possessions," the younger Slayer said.

Buffy shook her head. "No, sorry. I'm done with the whole slaying thing. Don't want anything to do with it. It's your gig now."

"My mistake then. I could have sworn he said you wanted it. Oh well. How are you doing?"

"I'm okay."

"Just okay?"

"Not bad, not great."

Nicole faintly smiled. "Still upset about breaking up with Angel?"

Buffy narrowed her eyes. "How do you know about it?"

"He told me."

"Why would he tell you? I got the impression he didn't like you."

"I must say, he's quite a catch. How could you ever let that man go? Angel's outstanding."

"What exactly do you mean by that?" demanded Buffy.

Nicole sighed dreamily. "That body…the things he can do with it…the things he makes me feel. He's one of the best lovers I've ever had, and that's saying a lot. How could you let him go? You were so lucky."

Her lower lip trembled slightly. "You—you slept with Angel?" The thought of it nearly sent her into tears.

"Have been, off and on since the beginning of December."

Buffy shook her head once again. "No. He couldn't have. I was in the hospital; Mom said he was there every day during visiting hours. It's not possible."

"Ever wonder what he did when he got home? Let's just say he didn't sit around in front of the television watching 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire,'" insinuated Nicole. "He was with me. Every night. See, you couldn't provide him with what he needed, so I was more than willing to help him out with it."

"No," Buffy said again. "You're lying."

"Am I? Do you want me to tell you all about the birthmark on the inside of his right thigh? It's a strawberry mark. How many people would actually know about that?"

'She's not lying to me. Angel never tells anyone about that, she'd have had to have seen it. She really did sleep with him.' "You really had sex with him." Buffy bit her lip.

"Yep. Did you know he's ticklish on the back of his neck? And he had quite a bit to say about you. Angel kept telling me how great it felt to make love to someone who knows what they're doing. I know just what he likes. He laughed at your inexperience; said you wouldn't know how to please him if you tried and practiced for years."

"Angel wouldn't say those things. He loves me," Buffy said, her voice wavering. 'Even if we did break up, I know that.'

"Wouldn't he? Face it, Buffy, you weren't even a good lay to him. He only stayed with you in hopes you'd actually get better at it. And when you didn't, he turned to me. Not that I'm complaining."

Buffy slammed the door in Nicole's face. It hurt to know that her worst fears were true. The things she only shared with her diary were the truth.

********

Angel walked up to Willow at the Bronze. He wanted to say good-bye to the redhead before he left. She sat alone at a table in the center of the club, sipping her soda. Among the crowded dance floor, he spotted Buffy and Riley swaying to the rhythm of a ballad. It was the first time he'd seen her since the day of their breakup. And it would probably be the last time he laid eyes on her ever again.

He tapped Willow on the shoulder. "Hi, Willow."

She turned. "Oh, hi, Angel," she greeted, genuinely happy to see him. "What are you doing here? I haven't seen you in a long time."

"I came to say good-bye."

"Huh?"

Angel fidgeted. "I decided to leave Sunnydale."

"When?"

"Tomorrow morning," he answered. "But I couldn't leave without saying good-bye to you. Willow, you've been a great friend to me."

"But you can't go!"

Angel nodded. "I have to. There's nothing keeping me here."

"What about Buffy?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "What about her? I wish things could have gone differently between us, but I can't change the past. It's time to put this all behind me and forget. Move on with my life."

"Angel, don't go."

"Sorry, Willow. I have to."

"At least tell her you're leaving," she begged him.

"Buffy has a new life now. She doesn't care about me and won't care that I'm leaving. But tell her I said good-bye. I'll write to you soon and let you know how I am."

Willow watched as he left. She couldn't believe he was just giving up. Isn't love worth fighting for anymore? She had to tell Buffy; if anyone could talk Angel into staying, she could.

Fifteen minutes later, Buffy and Riley approached the table. "Hey, Will. We're gonna get going. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Buffy, I need to talk to you," Willow told her urgently.

"I gotta go, Riley and I have big plans tonight. We'll talk in the morning, I promise. Bye!" Buffy said. She and Riley walked out of the club.

"Buffy!" Willow shouted. But Buffy never heard her.

********

"Where do you want to go?" Riley asked.

Buffy smiled at him. "How about your dorm room? Will your roommates be there?"

"No, they're at a party. They probably won't be back until the morning."

"Good. 'Cause I want you, Riley."

"You do?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I want to spend the night with you."

On their way to his dorm, Buffy thought about what Nicole told her that afternoon. Angel moved on; found someone else to give him what he wanted. And if he could do it, so could she.

********

{{{ Denotes dream sequence }}}

{{{ Buffy looked at the house in front of her. It was the American Dream with four walls. A two-story home with off-white siding, shutters on every window, a wraparound porch, a mailbox with a metal family holding hands, and a white picket fence surrounding the yard. She fell in love with the house; it was the kind of home she imagined living in with Angel and their family.

From the backyard, she heard laughter. Curious, Buffy entered the front door, walking through the spacious living room and kitchen. The voices became louder as she made her way through the kitchen. The dining table was set for two, with a vase full of carnations as the centerpiece. Buffy reached the sliding doors glass doors in time to see a baseball fly past. She stepped outside onto the patio.

"I caught it, Daddy! Did you see?" a young boy, no older than seven, called out excitedly.

The father laughed. "I sure did," he replied.

Buffy recognized the voice instantaneously. It belonged to Angel. What was he doing playing catch with the little boy in the backyard? Why was he there? And who was the boy? Why did he call Angel 'Daddy'?

"Can you throw it back to me?" Angel asked.

The boy nodded vigorously. With a grunt, he threw the ball back to his father, who caught it with both hands. Clapping, Angel glanced at his watch. "One more, then it's time to wash up for dinner."

"'Kay."

Angel threw the ball, but it fell short and the little boy missed it. He ran to the patio where Buffy stood, picking up the baseball. His brown eyes looked up at her. He resembled Angel, Buffy knew that with one look. His hair color, eye color, and his bright, happy smile were identical to Angel's. But his skin coloring was not that of his father. The boy was fair-skinned, lacking Angel's olive tone.

"Why did you leave us?" he asked sullenly.

Buffy was confused by the question. "What?"

"Daddy said you left us. Are you coming back, Mommy?"

Angel walked over, taking the boy's hand in his. "Time to go in, Gregory."

"But I want to talk to Mommy," protested Gregory.

"We have to leave Mommy alone. Remember? She didn't want to be with us anymore."

Gregory took one last look at Buffy, sadness apparent in his eyes. "Bye bye, Mommy."

Buffy watched from the patio as Angel washed his son's hands, then prepared dinner. She felt like an outsider, forced to be on the outside looking in. She could never be a part of their family. Her family. With a forlorn look, Buffy knew she'd lost it all. }}}

Buffy's eyes shot open, the images of her dream flashing before her eyes. It was almost as if she'd glanced into the future, seeing that she wasn't a part of the life of her son. Or Angel's. It would be a sad, desolate existence if they weren't with her.

The room around her looked unfamiliar. Nothing was recognizable to her. Posters on the walls, a basketball net hanging on the back of the door, and the bed on the other side of the room confused her. The arms that held her weren't the ones she was used to. When she started to pull away, they held her tighter.

"Let me go," she said in a shaky voice.

"Buffy, why?"

She turned her head, her gaze falling on a content, smiling Riley. It all came back to her right then. Leaving the Bronze, coming to his dorm room, kissing him, letting him touch her in places only one man had ever touched before. She remembered wishing it was Angel she was with and recalled Riley telling her that he loved her. Buffy wanted out of his embrace.

"Just let me go. Please."

Riley obliged. "Is something wrong?"

"It's not you."

"This doesn't sound good."

"We – I made a mistake coming here. This – all of it – was wrong. I don't love you, Riley, I never did. And we never should have done what we did."

He disagreed with her. "It was wonderful, Buffy, it couldn't be wrong. And I know you don't love me yet, but that'll change. Just give it time."

"My heart belongs to someone else," she choked out. "I'm sorry."

"I don't understand."

With a sheet wrapped around her naked body, Buffy climbed out of his bed. She grabbed her clothes and began to dress herself. On her way out the door, she said, "I hope you can forgive me."

********

The knocking on his door awakened Angel. He wanted to get a good night's sleep before leaving in the morning. It was one in the morning, and he was leaving for Ohio at eight. Everything was packed and ready to go. Padding through the living room in a pair of gray sweatpants, he answered the door before it woke Geoffrey.

He was more than a little surprised to find Buffy on the other side. "Buffy," he greeted simply.

"I'm sorry for coming by so late."

"It's okay. What can I do for you?" Angel asked.

'He's being so formal, like he doesn't want me here. Not that I blame him any. Maybe he doesn't.' "I – I had a dream tonight. About our son."

"Okay…" He didn't quite know why that warranted a visit after two months of not seeing each other.

Buffy swallowed hard. "I want to see Gregory, Angel. I need to talk to him. Can you take me there?"

"To the grave?"

She nodded. "Yes."

"Fine. Just wait a minute while I get changed," Angel told her.

********

"Which one is it?" Buffy asked when they reached the cemetery.

"Back row. White marble cross headstone. Has his name on it," Angel answered.

She started off alone, expecting Angel to follow, but he didn't. He figured it was something Buffy needed to do on her own. Last night he visited the grave, saying goodbye to the son he would never know.

Buffy found it with ease. She read the inscription on the headstone. GREGORY REILLY NEVER SEEN BUT LOVED NONETHELESS. "Gregory Reilly," she said with tears burning her eyes, a lump forming in her throat. "Angel wanted you to have his name; wanted you to be his son. We would have been a family, the three of us.

"I wish I could have known you. It would have been an honor to give birth to you. In fact, you'd be due next month. Maybe your dad and I would be married if I hadn't gone in the hospital. I'm so sorry for losing you, Gregory. I might not have been the best mother to you, but I would have loved you more than anyone.

"Your mom did a stupid thing. She told your dad to get out of her life. I love him, but I'm sure you know that. You would never have been conceived if I didn't love Angel. Tell Mommy what to do about this stupid thing she did. Can I make it up to him and to you? Can we still be a family?"

Angel watched from the car as Buffy walked back. He noticed the streaks on her cheeks from the tears she shed. Silently, she climbed back in the car.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah." She paused for several seconds. "Angel, can we talk?"

"Do you want to go back to the apartment?"

She nodded. "If you don't mind."

********

He held the door open for her as she entered the apartment. Buffy waited on the couch while he poured them each a glass of water.

"What do you want to talk about?" Angel wanted to know.

For the first time, Buffy saw the boxes in the corner of the room. "What's with the boxes? Is Geoffrey leaving?"

Angel shook his head. "No, I am."

"What?"

"I'm moving to Cleveland to continue my work studying the Hellmouth."

Buffy's eyes met his. "I thought you liked it here. I thought you were going to study here and be close to Geoffrey and the rest of us."

"I do like it here, but I can't stay here. It's too hard being here; knowing you are somewhere close by and I can't be there with you. It'll be easier if I'm away. Maybe I'll be able to forget about you and how much I miss you if I'm three thousand miles away," he answered.

"So you're just going to leave? Without even telling me? Don't you think I deserve to know about that?"

"I didn't think you'd care."

She frowned. "Will Nicole be going with you?" she questioned sharply.

Angel cocked his eyebrows up. He didn't understand why she asked that. "Why would Nicole be going with me?"

"Isn't she your…god, I don't know what to call it. Your lover? My replacement?"

He nearly choked on his water. "Nicole? My lover? Where would you ever get a crazy idea like that?"

"From her. She told me yesterday," Buffy informed him.

"She's lying. Ever since you went into the hospital, she's been coming on to me. Making insinuations, saying nasty things about you, one night she even came to my apartment and started undressing me while I was passed out drunk. But I would never have had sex with her. Buffy, you are the only person I've been with in that way."

"But she knows things about you; private things. She knows about your birthmark. How could she know about it if she's never seen it? And what you like. That you're ticklish on the back of your neck. How does she know all that? And Nicole also told me what you said about me. Am I really that bad? I don't make you feel things when we're together? Angel, I've tried so hard to…to pleasure you in bed. Maybe I'm not the world's greatest lover, but did you have to tell her that?"

"I never told her anything like that, I *wouldn't* tell her anything like that. You are the only woman I have ever made love to. Buffy, she read your diary," he explained. "Your mother invited her over for Christmas and she read it then. Nicole teased me about what you wrote about us. She knew about your insecurities. Let me tell you, you have nothing to worry about. I could have sex with a million women and none of them would be able to hold a candle to you. You've soured me for anyone else. I've never been unfaithful to you, even after we broke up."

"Oh god. I thought you'd moved on with Nicole and I…"

"You what?"

She bit her lip. "I had sex with Riley."

Angel shifted his gaze to the floor, unable to make eye contact with her. "Oh."

"It only happened once and I thought about you the entire time. I wanted him to be you. I can understand if you hate me because of that."

He shook his head. "Nothing you can do will ever make me hate you. We broke up, you moved on. Deep down, I expected it to happen."

"Riley never meant anything to me. You're the only man I ever loved. And I still love you. I didn't mean what I said to you, Angel. I was upset. You're not a rapist, or a horrible person, and I never wanted to lose you," she cried.

"We both said things we didn't mean. They can't be taken back. What's done is done."

"I know that. But I still want you in my life. Please, don't leave me. We'll work things out," she pleaded with him.

"I have to leave, Buffy."

"I love you!"

Angel touched his finger to the dull red of her scar, tracing it lightly with his fingertip. "I love you, too. But I don't know you. I thought I did, but I guess I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No. We can't go back to the way things were before this happened. I can't just give you the engagement ring back and pretend the past two months didn't happen. I want you to be part of my life, but not like that."

"What, then? How?"

He sighed. "I'm still going to leave in the morning. But I want to leave knowing I can come back and have your friendship. If we're meant to be together, it will happen eventually. For now, though, I only want to be your friend," Angel said.

"That's it?" Buffy asked. "We'll just be friends?"

"Yes."

She smiled through her tears. "Friends it is."

********

May 3, 2005

Buffy paced back and forth in the room at the back of the church. She kept glancing at herself in the mirror to see her reflection. It worried her that she might have a hair out of place. She wanted to look perfect.

Cordelia stood behind her with a smile on her face. "Would you calm down before you give yourself a heart attack? You look fine; wonderful even. The picture perfect bride." She checked in the mirror to adjust the straps of her royal blue bridesmaid gown. "I'll deny it later, but you look better than me. You look beautiful, Buffy. Angel's gonna go nuts when he sees you."

Nerves caused Buffy to gasp for breath. "I'm so nervous. And I never get nervous."

"One would sort of expect it, you are getting married today, after all," her friend reminded her.

"I wonder what Angel's doing right now," Buffy said.

"Probably the same thing you're doing. You've got twenty minutes before the ceremony starts, so sit down before you give me a headache."

Buffy's mother entered the room. Three years earlier, she and Geoffrey got married, precipitating Buffy and Angel's reunion. Her breath caught when her eyes fell upon the bride. "Honey, you're a vision."

"You're not lying to me, are you?" Buffy asked.

"No, of course not. I've never seen a more beautiful bride. You certainly outshine me on my wedding day."

Buffy gave a modest smile. "Thanks for lying to me. Have you seen Angel?"

Mrs. Summers nodded. "Yes, I did. He's just as nervous as you are. You'd never know by the way he's acting that he's a thirty-three year old man. You would think he was a teenage boy getting ready for his first date. And despite his nervousness, Angel looks very handsome. Like he always does."

"I'm so lucky to have him."

"You're both lucky."

"How long `til the ceremony starts?" she asked.

"Your father's coming to get you in fifteen minutes."

********

"What time is it?" Angel demanded to know. The wait was killing him. All he wanted to do was run to the altar of the church and watch his bride walk down the aisle to him. He couldn't wait until Buffy became his wife.

Oz glared at him. "Two minutes after the last time you asked. You know, asking me that question isn't going to make the time go by any faster."

Angel shook his head, then ran a hand through his hair. Thinking he might have done some serious damage to his perfectly coifed spikes, he ran to the mirror. Finding several hairs out of place, Angel reached for his hair gel.

Xander laughed at the nervous groom. "Well, I never thought I'd live to see the day where you were actually worried about your appearance," he quipped.

"If I wasn't about to have an anxiety attack, I'd rip your throat out and wear it as a necklace," Angel threatened.

"Chill out, Angel. It was a joke." He wanted to loosen the groom up. Angel was wound tighter than he'd ever seen him.

"I don't think he's in a joking mood," Geoffrey stated.

Angel patted his jacket. "Oh no."

"Now what?" Oz wanted to know. He seriously felt bad for Angel. He could only imagine what he was going through at the moment. How his nerves must be jumbled up. Oz wondered how fast his heart was beating because of it.

"The ring. What did I do with the ring?" Angel ran around the room in search of it.

"Angel, I've got it," Geoffrey said, showing him the ring. "And would you kindly sit down before you make me dizzy?"

Angel grimaced. "Sorry, Geoffrey. I'm just so nervous."

"It will get better once you see Buffy. I know what you are going through; the same thing happened to me when I married Joyce."

"I remember."

Geoffrey looked at his watch. "It's time."

********

"Are you ready, honey?" Mr. Summers asked his daughter.

Buffy nodded. "Yes, Daddy." She linked her arm through his as the music started. He guided her slowly down the aisle to her awaiting groom.

From the altar, Angel stared in awe at his bride. She looked radiant. Her dress was simple, without the usual lace and bows adorning it. It had a sweetheart neckline and the skirt filled out to the floor, a six-foot train trailing behind it. When he saw her, he saw an angel. His angel.

After what seemed like ages, they reached the altar. Buffy could see the tears in Angel's eyes, and the love in them as well. She had never seen him look so handsome in the six years they'd known each other. Not on their first date, her Prom, his high school reunion or at her mother's and Geoffrey's wedding had he looked so dapper. "I love you," she mouthed to him.

"Who gives this woman to marry this man?" the minister implored.

"Her mother and I do," Mr. Summers told him. He lifted Buffy's veil to give her a kiss on the cheek. "I love you, sweetie."

Buffy smiled at her father. "I love you too, Dad."

Angel walked to her side, then guided her to the altar where he'd previously been standing. The ceremony began.

Seated next to her ex-husband, Buffy's mother was too busy crying to hear what the minister was saying. "Our baby's getting married."

"I know. It's hard for me, too. He better take care of her," Mr. Summers said.

"Angel makes her happy."

Angel couldn't keep his eyes off Buffy. It still astounded him that he was there, getting married to the woman he loved with all his heart. `Buffy, you are so amazing. I'm so lucky to have you in my life.' After all he'd put her through, she stood to his left, beaming up at him, showing she didn't regret her decision to spend her life with him.

"Buffy and Angel have chosen to write their own vows to each other," the minister told the congregation. "Angel?"

He turned to the left, clasping her small, warm hands in his. The touch left his body with a tingle of warmth like he'd never known. It was as if her love poured into him, mixing with his love for her and making it stronger.

"Buffy, words will never be able to express what I feel for you. From the very moment I saw you, I loved you. You filled my mind, soul and heart like nothing or no one before. The sound of your voice is music to my ears, your touch is the cure to all that ails me. Without you, it's like a piece of me is missing. You, Buffy Summers, are the only person who can make me feel complete.

"Before I met you, I was a mere shell of a man, wandering this earth, destined to roam without rhyme or reason. And when you walked into the Sunnydale High Library exactly six years ago today, my wandering days came to an end. I fell in love with you immediately. I was drawn to you, to your beauty, to your personality, to your soul. I wanted so badly to be worthy of you, become someone you could love and trust without worry. I tried so hard to be worthy of you – the beautiful angel I had only dreamed of.

"Since our first meeting that day, I've done my best to be the man you deserve. But I'll never live up to that. There are things that I've done that shame me; things I've said that I didn't mean. It is those words and those acts that I pledge never to repeat.

"Buffy, with this ring, I swear never to hurt you. You'll never need or want for anything, and you'll be loved for as long as I am alive." Angel took the ring from Geoffrey and placed it on Buffy's finger. "I solemnly swear that I, Angel Patrick Reilly, will love you forever."

His words made Buffy's heart melt. Never in her twenty-four years did she ever expect to have such an impact on someone. She knew the words came from his heart and his soul, and it made her green eyes tear up. She sniffled. "I forgot everything I was going to say now. Nothing I can say will ever be as beautiful as that. Angel, no man has ever made me feel the way you do. I can be myself around you, I don't have to hide behind this image everyone has of me. You know the real me, the person that I really am. The walls around me crumble when you come near. The only thing I see of my future is you.

"You're my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my true love. People say we're too different; that I'm too young to know what love is. I never expected to fall in love with you. And I don't regret doing that. Not for one second.

"Nothing you can do or say will ever change how I feel. My heart beats for you; I love you with all that I am and all I will be. I don't guarantee I'll be the perfect wife or that I will understand everything you go through. But I'll always be here for you. I will be the shoulder you cry on, the person who will forgive you everything, the person you can share anything with. Angel, you are my life."

She took her ring from Willow and placed it on Angel's finger. "With this ring, I pledge to you my friendship, my love and my life. I, Buffy Anne Summers, give myself to you."

No words ever meant so much to Angel as the ones Buffy had just said. He never believed anyone was capable of loving him that much. When things got to be more than he could handle, he'd only need to remember her vows to know that everything would be okay.

The minister continued on with the ceremony. Buffy and Angel hardly heard a word he said. They stole sidelong glances at each other, showing the love they felt through those stolen looks. After what seems like an eternity, he ended the ceremony. "By the power vested in my by God and the state of California, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Angel lifted the veil from Buffy's face. He stared into her eyes for a few moments, silently telling her how much she meant to him, how much her love meant to him. Finally, he brought his lips to her in a tender kiss that bound their union.

********

"Do you like the room?" Angel asked his wife when they entered the hotel room he booked for them in Hawaii.

She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. "You booked us the honeymoon suite. Of course I love it. It's so perfect."

"Nothing but the best for you. But I'm still in shock."

"Why?"

"I'm here with you, Buffy. We're married and we're on our honeymoon. We'll be together for the rest of our lives. It's the last thing I ever expected."

Buffy grinned at him. "It's all I've wanted since I realized how much I love you. Angel, I'm going to do my best to make you happy."

"You've already made me the happiest man alive because you married me." He reached into his suitcase, handing her a gift-wrapped box from inside.

"Here, open it."

"What is it?"

"Your wedding present from me. I hope you like it."

Buffy opened it as if it would break in her hands, afraid to tear the paper. Her eyes sparkled with glee upon seeing Angel's gift to her. "Angel, it's lovely."

"It's a claddagh ring. It belonged to my grandmother, she saved it for me in a safety deposit box before she died. She wanted me to give it to my wife. The claddagh is an Irish wedding band. The hands represent friendship, the crown loyalty, and the heart represents love. Wear it with the heart facing in, it means you belong to someone. You belong to me."

Her lower lips trembled. "That's beautiful." Reaching into her own suitcase, she pulled out a gift for him. "This is yours."

Angel put the card to the side, opening the present first. It was a silver spoon and a toy rattle. "Okay, I'm lost. What am I missing?"

"Read the card," Buffy instructed.

He ripped open the envelope, removing the card. The outside read CONGRATULATIONS. Flipping the page, the inside read DADDY. His eyes widened. "Buffy…does this mean…?"

She nodded. "I'm having a baby. *We're* having a baby."

"When?"

"I went to the doctor yesterday. I'm due in November."

It was a miracle. Angel wrapped her in his arms, raining kisses all over her face. Buffy's fingers began pulling at the hem of his shirt.

"Maybe we shouldn't," he said.

"This is our honeymoon and I want to make love to my husband," Buffy told him.

"It might not be a good idea. What if something happens to the baby?"

Buffy placed her pointer finger on his lips to silence him. "I asked Doctor Price and she said there's no problem. We won't hurt the baby."

"Still…"

"Angel, shut up and kiss me."

He did as she asked. They made love for the first time as man and wife.

THE END

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