Everything

by Criss Moody

Date: January 1st, 2001

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and his team of gremlins own the characters and concepts…I own a cute fuzzy lion sitting on my computer.

Summary: Buffy thinks about love, Riley, and Angel.

Rating: PG Feedback: Please?????

Notes: The Buffy muse strikes again. Inspired by the Vertical Horizon song, "Everything You Want," a song I’ve long felt fit Buffy/Angel, Buffy/Riley perfectly.

Riley loves me.

It’s a sure thing and I know that like I know that I’m the Slayer: always have been, always will be, until I die anyway.

Until I die. Funny how popular my death has been lately. I swear, one little stab wound and everyone gets all nervous, or pathetically eager, for my inevitable demise.

Slayers die. Fact. Slayers love. Not a fact, but a recurring theme in my life.

I have really loved once. Love fucking hurts. Really, after all the crap I’ve been through, that’s the only conclusion I can come to. It just hurts. I’ve never told anyone this, because I don’t think even Willow would really understand, but part of me, the part that is the Slayer, the part that in some way is separate from Buffy the girl, decided that after Angel, love wasn’t worth it.

Of course I love my friends. I love Giles, my mom, my sister, such as she exists, but there are different kinds of love. I can love people, but I can’t be in love. I can’t ever commit myself to love again. Everything in me gave itself to Angel. Slayer and girl, they plummeted into that abyss of pleasure and agony, never regretting the decision.

I’m not in love with Riley. I’m not even sure if I love him. I care for him. I like having a boyfriend, and I adore feeling like a normal girl. I love cuddling with him, feeling his strength around me, losing my super-duper Slayerness in his normalness.

But, there’s something reserved from him, not deliberately, yet a little bit holds me back from giving it all, from being in love with him the way he’s in love with me.

He loves me, he’s in love with me, and he doesn’t seem to care that I don’t feel the same way. I’ve tried to feel guilty for not reciprocating his feelings, but I just feel apathetic about it. Yeah, maybe he does care, but I don’t even care about that. All of my emotions have been funneled directly to my mom and to Dawn. I don’t have room for anything else.

Sometimes, I think ‘Buffy, talk to him, don’t keep secrets, don’t lie to him.’ Then a little voice answers, ‘You’re not lying, no worries. Riley knows what he got into. It’s not like you’re using him or anything.’

I’m pretty sure two voices in my head telling me things can not possibly be a good thing. Happily, I can only hear them when worries over Mom die down, calm under the bright sunlight.

I’m pretty sure I’m hurting Riley.

I just wish that I could care.

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