| I Don’t Know How By Ducks Mush and fluff and angst and woe... oh my. Moments of perfect happiness happen, so NC-17. To re-affirm my B/A-ship. It's roughly now in the BtVS/Angel timelines. Pretty much everything we've seen has happened. Spoilers for I Will Remember You. Big time. Again. Summary: The first big battle of the End Days has just ended. The armies of the Forces of Good rejoice in their initial victory, but not everyone is comfortable with the close quarters being warriors requires... Music: Wasted Time and Beautiful by Me'Shell N'Degeocello, from her CD Bitter...; Falling in Love and How by Lisa Loeb, from Firecracker . The points where the song changes are marked in the story, like chapter titles. At the end, they all kind of blend together. The graphics are just random visual thoughts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1.) Wasted Time Buffy bolted into the crowd, not caring who got bashed if they got in her way. Riley was there, somewhere... and Willow said he was hurt. She peeked into every ambulance and under every sheet, ashamed that she felt better each time she looked on a corpse that she didn't recognize... until she finally found him, resting on the fender of a fire truck, covered in a wool blanket and sipping coffee from a Styrofoam cup. Riley saw her approach and stood up, wincing, and Buffy grabbed him and squeezed him with all of her might. "Oh, thank God!" she exclaimed into his broad chest. "Um... hi... Ow?" he objected quietly. She let him go. "How did you get all the way up here? I thought I asked you to guard the rear, with the others?" she asked him, frustrated and frantic, "And I find you right here on the edge of the Hellmouth itself!" Riley looked down at her, "A friend of yours came by looking for you. He said he had the ritual that would bind the Hellmouth." "Again..." Buffy muttered. And then, she suddenly realized exactly which "friend" Riley must be talking about. Riley nodded, "They needed my help, so I went." Buffy scowled, "Angel brought you here?" "And Xander, and Giles, and Willow, and the others... They needed people to physically back up the ones doing the magick. It was the only way." "You could have been killed..." she said, only half to Riley. The other half was quickly blaming Angel for being so cavalier and careless with her lover. "It had to be done, Buffy. We would have lost, if he hadn't come." Buffy's face collapsed into her furious frown. //He can't do this. I can't let him get away with this...// She looked closely at Riley, "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'll be fine. Just a little bruised, that's all," he said. "Okay," Buffy said, "Then, wait here. I have something I have to take care of." She turned and marched back into the crowd. Riley watched her disappear into the throng, wondering what could be so important that it couldn't wait. // I KNEW it. I KNEW he was here!// She'd felt that twitching in her stomach... that cold tingle in her fingers and toes, and the automatic, pounding response of her heart to his presence. Buffy tried to ignore the little thrill that ran through her when she realized he really was here. She fought to focus on her fury, instead. He was the one who had left so she could have a 'normal' life... and now that she had as close to normal as she could get, he just showed up as sweet as you please and decided to tear it all down again. //He's not getting away with it. Not this time.// This time she would make herself heard. After everything Riley had done for her, she at least owed him that. Buffy came up over the crest of the hill, and froze in her tracks. 2.) Falling in Love Angel stood, proud and tall against the moonlit sky, towering over a crowd of people and demons who gathered around him. He looked like some Greek god, standing there, surveying the scene of his people's victory. He immediately looked up, and their eyes met. Buffy's breath caught in her throat at the sight of his gaze settling upon her. And involuntary little smile stole across his lips, but he caught it and squashed it quickly before it could spread to he rest of his face. This was business. And by the fierce, angry look on the Slayer's face, it was pretty clear she wasn't there to thank him. He excused himself, and stepped away from the others, meeting her halfway across what had once been the Sunnydale High School front lawn. They approached one another cautiously, each sizing up the other's condition and mood, taking a moment to decide on what strategy to take that would make this moment the least awkward. "Hi," he said quietly. They stopped a foot away from one another, and stood, rigid, as if there were a physical barrier between them. Buffy was so completely overwhelmed by his closeness, she shook. Their bond flowed between them like a living, burning thing, crackling in the cool air around them. Thrown utterly off her bearings, feeling cornered and angry, Buffy the Vampire Slayer did the only thing she knew how to do. She took a step forward, reached out, and slapped Angel square across the jaw. His head snapped back, and his hand flew up automatically to cover the offended spot. "Don't 'HI' me!" she screeched at him, "Don't you DARE! You almost got all my friends killed tonight! ALL of them! And Riley..." The sound of her saying his name with such fear and concern was like a ten ton stone dropping on his head. He tried not to let the pain show. "I had no choice," he said, 'The ritual had to be done then. There was no time to find out or it would have been too late," he said calmly. Buffy glared at him. He had that look on his face; that puppy-dog-pleading-for-forgiveness-for-something-he-couldn't-help look, on top of the refusing-to-take-any-of-her-crap look, which was relatively new. //Mad. You're mad. Riley. He got Riley hurt.// She got in his face, "How could you take them? What were you thinking?" Angel sneered bitterly, knowing she mostly meant her boyfriend. "They understand the stakes, Buffy. They did this with their eyes wide open." Of course, he knew that was a lie... Buffy's boyfriend obviously had no idea who he was. He'd just followed the orders of someone who seemed to be in charge, like a good soldier. "Just stay away from us!" Buffy spat, and turned to walk away. "You're welcome," he snapped at her retreating back. Buffy froze once again, but before her retort made it from her mind to her lips, the ground beneath her began to groan, and then, heave violently. She looked back at Angel. He was struggling to maintain his own balance. The other people and soldiers, hundreds of yards away from them, remained seemingly undisturbed. Buffy heard a distinct crack as the earth shifted beneath them. "Buffy!" Angel shouted, and dove for her. His body weight carried her away from the first rending of the earth, but as soon as they landed, the grass beneath them split open, as well, and swallowed them. All she could feel were Angel's arms around her, and the air rushing by them in the dark as they fell. Then, she knew nothing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When she came to, Buffy was wrapped in Angel's warm coat, her head propped up on her own thing jacket. She felt warm and relaxed, despite what she knew would be a crippling stiffness in her back, come morning, and rejoiced to see a small, cheerful fire nearby. She slowly sat up and looked around. Angel sat across the fire, quietly watching her. She blinked slowly at him, "Where are we?" He looked at her, giving her a casual once-over for injuries, "I'm not sure. We fell, but I don't know how far. I can't see the sky from here, that much I know." Buffy took a closer look at their surroundings -- a small, round cave about 20 feet in diameter, the roof of which was nowhere within her sight. It just looked like a tub that went up and up into nowhere. "I'm gonna take a wild stab at it, and say we fell far," she said. Angel nodded, "Probably a fair estimation." Buffy sighed. Great. She was stuck down in the bowels of the earth with the one person who constantly made her dizzy and tied her stomach up in crampy, fluttering knots, a sensation only made worse by her ravenous hunger. As if in response, her stomach growled loudly. Angle looked at her, his brow furrowed with concern, "You're hungry." She shrugged, 'I forgot to eat. With all the... you know, end of the world and all, I guess it kind of slipped my mind." "If it comes to that, there are rats," he told her, as if that were an important survival fact. Maybe if they were the Donner party... Buffy made a face, 'Nothing handier than a predator when you're facing starvation, "she muttered under her breath. Angel shot her a dark look that she didn't see, because she got up and began to examine the walls of their prison up close. "They're smooth. I already check," he assured her. Angel had had to struggled to occupy himself while she lay there, unconscious. He fought the demonic rage, and the burning panic that both threatened to consume him, by pacing the room like a big cat. Buffy looked back at him, "This isn't a natural cave..." Angel shook his head, "I have a feeling this is the work of your boyfriend and his bunch." Buffy squinted at him, unsure how to take his tone. He nonchalantly pulled a book out of his pocket and began to read. "What are you doing?" Buffy asked him. He looked up, "Reading. We could be waiting for a while." She stared at him for a moment longer, then sat back on her makeshift bed and stared morosely into the fire. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, careful to keep his face turned down to the pages before him, so she wouldn't see. What was she thinking? "Are you okay?" he asked her finally. She looked quickly up at him, then back to the fire, "I'm fine," she assured him. "Good," he said, looking at her for another heartbeat before going back to his reading. Buffy tried to look at everything around her at least ten times so she wouldn't have to watch him. She pulled items one by one out of her jacket pockets, and either examined or used them. She fixed her lip gloss, sharpened her stakes, and fidgeted with her knife. Everything else possible done, she looked up at Angel at last. "What are you reading?" She asked. When he had discovered the worn leatherback book in his pocket while Buffy was unconscious, he had almost dropped to his knees to thank the gods... Something, anything to distract him, from staring at the love of his life, lying right there...right there... by the fire. "It's... uh... it's a book of poetry," he told her. "What kind of poetry?" she asked. The kind of stuff Angel read was always heavy and sad, exactly what being so close to him right that moment made her feel. Angel looked at her for a long time, and then began to read: "The end was quick and bitter
Slow and sweet was the time between us,
Slow and sweet were the nights
When my hands did not touch one another in despair
But with the love of your body
Which came between them. And when I entered into you
It seemed then that great happiness
Could be measured with the precision
Of sharp pain. Quick and bitter. Slow and sweet were the nights
Now is as bitter and grinding as sand --
'We shall be sensible,' and similar curses. And as we stray further from love
We multiply the words,
Words and sentences long and orderly.
Had we remained together
We could have become a silence." Such a silence fell over them when he finished speaking. Angel knew it was inappropriate. He could have read to her from Rikki-Tikki-Tavi or The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner -- something long and safe and simple that would have allowed them to while away the hours, thinking of any adventure but their own... But the way she looked at him... that old, familiar way only slightly hardened into bitterness by the years, made him think suddenly of longing... of bitterness, and the memory of his hands on her warm body... There was no other poem he could have read. Buffy continued to stare at him, frozen by the words he had read, unable to think, or to act. He was the only one who could cripple even her deepest instincts. She had only just been thinking about the night she and Angel made love... the differences between the sensations his hands and lips had stirred in her, versus what Riley felt like. Angel put the book back in his pocket. //I think that's enough poetry for one night...// "So, how are.."
"I wonder if the others..." They both broke the painful silence simultaneously, latching desperately on to the first thought in their muddled heads, praying for Small Talk to appear and shatter the burning tension that choked the air between them. Buffy laughed awkwardly, and Angel smiled. "Go ahead," he offered. "I was just wondering if the others are okay," she finished. "I'm sure they are. I only saw the one fault line, and that was..." "The one we plummeted into," she finished for him. "Yeah." "I'm sure they'll find us pretty soon..." she said. Angel looked at her, wondering where this new "Power of Positive Thought" Buffy had come from. //She's growing up, dolt. She's not 16 anymore...// He couldn't help but notice how much she had grown up... how much she'd grown into her own body... he swallowed hard and didn't let the rest of the thought even materialize in his mind. "I'm sure," he agreed, fighting to keep his voice steady and even. Buffy wrapped her arms around her knees and rest her chin on them morosely. "So... how are you?" he ventured, now that the initial ice was broken... sort-of..."You look... well." Buffy gave him a look, "Oh, I don't look run down, undernourished, stressed-out and frustrated? Everybody else seems to think I do." Angel blinked at her. She relaxed a little, "I'm sorry. I just... I wasn't ready for this." "For what?" She gestured between them, "This. You being here. It's just... weird, that's all." He nodded. "Weird" wasn't the exact word he'd been thinking (actually, it was "awe-inspiring"), but it was close enough. "I'm sorry," he said gently, looking away from her. "I'm happy, damn it! I'm happy!!!" Her voice was shrill, and both of them wondered who she was trying to convince. When he looked up at her again, she could see the faint shine of tears beginning behind his dark eyes. "He... treats you well, then?" he asked, almost hoping she would say 'no'. That he would have a legitimate excuse for making the boy pay for the involuntary, irrational jealous RAGE that coursed through him. Of course, he knew better, and he let the razor-sharp anger go dull from Buffy's calming presence. "Like a princess," she said honestly. Riley was kind and giving...attentive... sweet... He made her feel... normal. Special in a different, human kind of way. But now, looking at Angel, she remembered clearly what it felt like to be honored...revered...worshipped. Like the only Goddess in all the universe. Buffy clenched her teeth, sealing her lips tight against all the words that threatened to spill forth from the barely patched remains of her broken heart. Angel set his jaw and fought harder against the sadness that threatened to suck all of his strength and resolve away. "I'm glad to hear that," he said sincerely. But Buffy heard his voice break, and saw the first of his tears spill off his high cheekbones. 3.) How? The Slayer slid across the cavern floor and took Angel in her arms before she had a chance to think herself out of it. He sagged against her, weeping so hard his big frame shook, making hers shake right along with it. After a moment, she felt his arms snake around her waist and clutch at her, but his sobbing didn't ease. "Shh... shhhhh..." she breathed in his ear, her courage and her love for him fortified by the fact that she wasn't breaking down, herself, "It's okay... I'm here, now... We're together. It's okay." His heart shattered when he heard her sweet voice say "together". It reminded him of another night, when he had lay, human and broken in her arms, and she had said, her voice filled with the same certainty and hope: "It's alright. It's over. And we're together..." He felt those memories -- each moment of that day they'd shared -- crush him under their long-suppressed weight. "No. It's not okay!" he cried like a child having a tantrum, "I can't go on like this, Buffy. I can't live with this pain until the end of time..." He turned over and looked up at her, and she automatically reached out to touch his face... wipe away his tears... Angel grabbed her hand before she could take it away again, and held it to his cold lips for a moment that felt, to her, like an eternity. It looked like one too, from deep within the mahogany of his eyes. She sat, shocked, hypnotized by the intensity of his gaze and the fire that began to burn in her, beginning where his lips touched her skin. 4.) Beautiful "You know, don't you?" he whispered against the soft skin of her palm. "What... about... what?" she could barely speak, her heart was pounding so hard in her ears. "We're meant to be together. You remember. You know. I can see it in your eyes, " he said. Buffy gasped. She did. She did remember. All the dreams that had haunted her subconscious in the months since she had seen him in Los Angeles... //Not dreams... memories.// "You promised you'd never forget," he told her, "And you have never, once, broken a promise you made to me." She hadn't. Not even the one when she promised to love him forever, above and before anyone else in her life. "No. I haven't, have I?" she whispered, and hesitantly leaned forward to touch her lips to his. Electricity bolted through him. "Buffy..." he sighed into her lips. She brought her hands up, running her fingers through his soft, thick hair, like she had in real life and in her dreams, a billion times before. Lost. They were lost, right there in that eternal moment, a clear realization flowing over them that no matter where they went or what they did, they would always, always end up right back here... //There's nothing we can do to fight it...// 5.) Wasted Time Again... Suddenly, some sand slid down from the ceiling and showered over them, breaking the magick stillness that had surrounded them. "Buffy!" Riley's voice echoed from above. Her head shot up. "Oh god. Riley," she said, sliding far away from Angel. She had forgotten all about Riley. Something hard and cold slammed shut over his heart, and put out the fire in his eyes. Right. Riley. The guy he had left her so she could meet and fall in love with him... this stranger, who now climbed down the sheer walls of the cavern, on his way to rescue her. Buffy looked at Angel quickly, her heart cracking at the cold veneer that snuffed out the warm glow that his aura had cocooned her in a few brief moments ago... Riley's big body dropped to the earth with a grace that always took Buffy by surprise. He was just so damned cute... She glanced at Angel once again. //But then, there's exquisite...// She shook the thought out of her head. What was she thinking? Hadn't she sworn off impossible situations and gut-wrenching angst forever? //Slow and steady. Not too hot. Not even a little dangerous.// That was her life, now. At least with Riley. She had learned the hard way that all demons were dangerous, even if they had sweet souls and the faces of angels... She turned to face the real promise of her future, and felt her heart sink. //I don't love him.// She felt Angel move behind her, over to Riley's climbing equipment, and began unlatching a second set of ropes that he had brought with him. "Are you okay?" Riley asked her, frantically, grabbing her arms. The touch of his big hands, usually so... nice, at least, now sent an uncomfortable shiver coursing through her. //This is wrong. I can't do this.// "I'm fine. I'm okay. Is everybody else?" She forced the proper words out of her constricted throat. "Everybody's okay. You guys fell into the only fissure. This is an old vampire trap. We had to break it open... it's set on a time lock until dawn." It wasn't even morning yet? Buffy looked once again at Angel, who was now all hooked up to the ropes. "We should go," he told Buffy and Riley, "It'll be dawn soon." Only the two of them had been swallowed up by the darkest womb of the earth, where all life came from... where magickal, alchemical things happened. And what had only been a couple of hours out there, felt like long, lazy days, in here. Being near Angel always made time slow down. "He's right," Riley said to her, "Come on." Buffy followed him automatically, allowing him to latch her into his own harness, and hold her firmly to his big body. She had her back to him, and was forced to face Angel in the other harness. Angel looked deep into her eyes, smiled sadly, and quickly scaled the wall until he was out of sight. "You ready?" Riley asked, putting his arms around her. She could feel his heart pounding, sure and strong, against her back. She remembered clearly what Angel's heartbeat felt like, thumping in time with her own. //No. Not again...// "Yeah," she said, and they rose into the night, leaving the fire far below them to flicker and die alone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6.) Falling in Love Again... His weight settled gently on her, suspended by his arms. He hesitated. Buffy looked up at his clear blue eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked again, "I don't want to hurt you..." She gave him the warmest smile she could muster from under the cold, clammy, distant feeling of her skin. "No. I'm okay... it's... nice..." she said. //Not okay. Bad. Wrong.// The pink fingers of the dawn began creeping in the windows, lighting the soft lines of his face. Steadfast. Ernest. Stalwart. Loyal. Kind. Giving. Gentle. //No. Nononononononononono.// The argument raged in her head, almost making her forget to make the requisite noises to indicate her non-existent pleasure. //I like him. He's smart and handsome, funny and good to me... There's the picnics, and the possibility of kids... and this...// She tried to drown out the truth that echoed around in her head by talking over it. She tried to ignore the growing sensation of being in the completely wrong place at the completely wrong time. "more than ever, I know how much I love you..." "together, you were powerful. alone, you are dead." "we'll make it work, right?"
"we will..." "I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop..." "I wish I wished you dead! I don't... I can't..." The memories blazed through her, stripping her emotions clean and locking her muscles taught. Riley immediately noticed the difference, and stopped, looking down at her worriedly. "Buffy, I'm sorry... are you okay? Did I hurt you? We should stop..." His unselfish words came out in an apologetic torment, beating against her like the blows of fists raining down on her skin. "Riley. Stop," she said, and pushed against him. He immediately complied, and rolled off of her. Buffy sat up, clutching the sheets to her chest. "What is it? What's wrong?" he asked her, reaching out to gently touch her bare arm. "I... I'm not... I don't know..." she said. Riley sat up beside her, and turned her to face him. "What's going on? You've been weird all night. Are you sure you're not hurt?" Buffy shook her head. Of course she was hurt. But she wouldn't tell him. "No you're not hurt, or no you're not sure you're not hurt?" She shot him a look, and then softened, realizing suddenly all of the promises she had never made to this man, who so apparently loved her. "Riley, I'm sorry. This isn't right. I don't belong here." She got up and began gathering her clothes, as Riley watched her. If this was some teen-angst drama, he would have been shocked and appalled... maybe fallen to his knees and cried that he loved her, and begged her to stay. But this was real-life, and he was just Riley Finn- Any Guy, not a romantic superhero. Besides, some part of him had seen this coming from the moment he had first set eyes on the handsome vampire as he had entered Giles' home. He obviously knew everyone present very well, and the others knew him. They immediately took what he had to say seriously, and sprang into unquestioning action at his direction. Riley suddenly felt like the stranger he truly was. He loved Buffy. He really did, from a place deep inside him that he hadn't know existed, before he knew her. And because that feeling was so genuine, and so deep, he realized that what he wanted more than anything was for her to be truly happy. "It's about Angel, isn't it?" he asked her. Buffy let her tee shirt slide down over her head, and then considered him seriously. "Yes," she said, pulling on her sweats, "I think it always has been." Riley nodded. He'd figured as much. 7.) How? "He's not just an old friend of the gang..." Riley said. Buffy shook her head, and sat down, glad she had to put on her shoes, so she wouldn't have to look up and see the hurt on his face that she could hear in his voice. "You love him..." he went on, saying out loud for the first time something he'd been pondering for weeks, "You don't love me." She looked sadly up at him, into his sweet blue eyes, and nodded. Riley blinked, but didn't look away. "Then, I'm not sure what you're doing here," he said. That time she saw the wound tearing open behind his eyes. "I'm sorry," she said, got up, and pulled on her jacket. The giant shoulders immediately and completely engulfed her, and drowned her in Angel's cool, clean scent. His coat. She had taken his coat. Riley really couldn't think of a thing to say, as he came to the same realization. Buffy turned and walked out, letting the door click shut behind her. "Goodbye," Riley said to it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was already long past noon when she finished showering and changing, and came to the mansion. It was quiet and still, as she had expected to find it. Angel would be sleeping deeply, utterly drained by everything that had happened the night before. She slipped silently through the front door, glad that he ran such a tight ship, and always kept the floorboards and hinges creak-free. Once she shut the door behind her, she felt as though she had been sealed inside an air-tight jar with nothing in it to breathe but his essence. She leaned heavily against the stone wall, struggling to catch her breath. Buffy had suddenly and completely come undone, and completely forgotten all she had come there to say. That is, until she looked up, and saw him leaning easily in the doorway opposite her, rumpled and sleepy in nothing but black slacks, his hands crammed into his pockets. "H-hi," she said. Never taking his eyes from hers, Angel crossed the room and stood before her, looking down into her face as he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I knew you'd come," he said, inching closer to her, "I always knew." His lips barely touched hers, and her blood began immediately to boil, her very bones aching for him. she reached up and took his beloved face between her hands, pulling his mouth closer and deeper into hers. Angel reached down and lifted Buffy into his arms, and walked with her up to the bedroom, never allowing their lips to detach for even a moment. He set her down on her feet beside the bed and looked down at her, as if she were a buffet, and he wasn't certain where to start his "all-you-can-devour". Buffy quaked with desire and fear, blinking furiously up at him. Angel pursed his lips in concern, and reached up to brush her cheek. "I want..." he began, but thought better of it, "Are you sure this is what you want?" She took a step closer to him, and lay her hand on his still chest. "This is all I've ever wanted," she said softly. He exhaled deeply, and slowly reached down to pull off her silk blouse, delighting to find nothing beneath as it fell away. He stared at her fine, smooth skin in wonder, and she gasped in response to what was almost a touch from his eyes. Angel put his open palm over her heart and held perfectly still, letting its quickened pulse vibrate through him. He closed his eyes, remembering the many tastes of her... her flesh, her blood, the hot ambrosia from her core... He slowly brushed his hand across her chest, trailing a finger under the softest part of each breast, then slowly back up, lingering tenderly over the hardest. Buffy drew a ragged breath, and closed her own eyes, reveling in the very right feeling of his hands on her. He pulled her to him, crushing her lips to his own, sliding his tongue boldly between her blunt teeth, and blazing a cool path around the inside of her mouth. He moaned when her hands settled at his waits, caressed slowly down, and then quickly back up, over his shoulders. The first layer of barrier between them gone, they stood still once again, staring at one another. Angel hesitantly reached out and took her hand, using it to pull her closer to him. They both gasped when they came fully skin-to-skin. He felt something base and animal begin to stir in his gut, something searing and uncontrollable that he'd rarely ever felt, and certainly hadn't, in a very long time. When had it last been? That cool spring night when he had drank from her veins? Or had it been the moment he had entered her as a living man, that past autumn? It didn't matter. It was a lust he couldn't control. He tore off her pants and underwear, and pushed her down on the bed. Buffy lay back, her knees still bent over the edge, and her feet swinging inches from the floor. He dropped to his knees before her, and plunged his face between her legs. There was no more powerful pull than this... this true essence that flowed from her in response to his touch, into his nose and his mouth and over his tongue... It was a taste of something even more fundamental than the blood he could hear rushing through the big artery throbbing inside her thigh. It was a sensation sweeter, even, then the well-remembered thick flow of her blood washing across his lips, his teeth, his tongue, and down his throat. Angel drank her now without fear or shame, using the very same mouth for one fair purpose, and one only: To keep her moaning and whimpering the way she was now... to keep her shouting his name, just like that, as she clamped her strong knees against his head. He moaned into her, but didn't look up. He only kept licking and dipping into her. He lost count of many strokes he used on each hot inch of her. Every cell of her flesh began to jump under his touch as she finally collapsed beneath him. Angel wiped his mouth, staring at her from under lust-lidded eyes, as he joined her face to face, near the pillows. Buffy still hadn't caught her breath, and she looked at him in pleasurable amazement. "Ah... I... oh..." she gasped, smiling. He smiled back. She looked over every millimeter of his face. He never aged, of course, and he looked exactly as he had the first time she'd looked into big brown eyes. "Is this real?" she whispered, "Is this okay? Can we do this?" Angel looked at her, his smile slipping a little. "I don't see any way it couldn't be," he said. "But we don't know... what if..." "Sh," he said, stopping her with a gentle fingertip to her lips, "They owe me. They owe both of us, for what we've done. We saved humanity. Averted the apocalypse. That was the deal. Now it's time for us to get what reward we have coming." It sounded stupid and over-dramatic, even to his ears. But it was the truth. Something had told him... something inside had come alive with knowing and had made him cry in her arms last night in that cave. He didn't know how he knew, but he did. "There are few things more important in all the dimensions than truth, Buffy. And to me?" he traced a line across her cheek, under her jaw, and back to her lips again, "You are the truth. Your love is my redemption. Being with you is my reward." She leaned down and kissed him softly. //Yes...// Buffy reached down and undid his pants, sliding her hands against his hard skin inside. He sighed deeply at her warm touch. "Make love to me, Angel... please..." she said, stroking him softly. Angel opened his eyes and looked at her. He felt suddenly uncertain and awkward, like the young boy he hadn't been in over two centuries. Although her hands slowly sliding his pants over his legs felt more like home than any place he'd ever laid his head, he still found himself unable to move. Buffy didn't seem to notice. She began licking the outlines of every carved muscle of his chest and arms, working her way down until she was tracing what he could swear were the letters of his name over his stomach. She wasn't awkward or uncertain at all as she sealed her lips over his hardness, and slid its length to the hilt, far in the back of her throat. He grunted from the hot sensation, his eyes rolling back in his head. He could remember, vaguely, when he had died. There was a sudden quiet that echoed in the mind as the synapses fired one last time before the nothing that followed. That moment was filled with light, for some people; with Jesus or Jehovah or Allah for others; and still others saw the shades of the beloved dead waiting for them beyond the pale. For Angel, it had been like this -- a painful, exquisite collapsing sensation, as his heart clenched, the muscles in his body became rigid from starvation for blood, and the feeling of being turned inside out and set on fire raging through him. A cry grew from the depths of his soul as Buffy drew on him, accepting him, swallowing him in the heaven of her lips as the world exploded around him. That's why the French called it Le Petit Morte - "The Little Death"... When he regained consciousness, Angel found himself watching Buffy licking her lips sheepishly. "Like Elmer's Glue-All," she observed. Angel scowled and crunched up his nose at her, "I never, really, needed to hear that." Buffy gave him a broad, genuine smile, then leaned down to rest her ear against his quiet chest. She loved it when he held her, keeping himself so still it was almost like he wasn't there at all, and yet she could feel him like she could feel her own skin still humming from his touch. She took a deep breath, and let it out with a satisfied sigh. He smiled and put his arms around her. He remembered this... he remembered exactly this... "I want you to stay with me," she said quietly, "I won't let you go again. Last time, I almost had myself convinced that you were right to go... that I needed to be far away from you to grow or to change... without this..." Angel leaned his head against hers. "And then I realized," she went on, "Last night, when you read that poem, I knew. I tried to ignore it, tried to deny it, tried to wash it away with someone else... But I already knew that I could never be away from you again. No matter what I told myself. No matter what you told yourself. No matter what we told each other. And I felt like I had missed something important between us. All these little moments like backstory of why I needed to be with you now. To get back there again..." she paused, "Am I making any sense at all?" He chuckled softly and pulled her closer, "Perfect sense," he assured her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy woke some time later to the touch of his cool lips on the back of her neck. Her body responded immediately to him, and she arched her back into the spoon his big body formed around her. //Right. Safe. Beautiful.// She felt his hardness pressed against the backs of her thighs, and she opened them to him, an involuntary gasp escaping from her lips as an invitation. Angel held his breath as he gently bent her body forward, and slid inside her. He exhaled slowly as his sank into her heat, sheathing himself to the root. Buffy whimpered a little for a moment, and he hesitated, afraid to hurt her. But she resisted the interruption, sliding her hips closer to him once again. He wrapped himself around her and kissed her cheek as he eased out of her, and then back in again. She reached her arm around the back of his head, and clutched his hair. "God..." she gasped. Angel breathed heavily into her ear as he slowly rocked her. He knew she was his mate without any doubt, simply because of the sheer range of emotions that tore through him, only sharpened by his passion and how close he finally was to her, after so long a time... "I don't know how to let you go," he gasped, his need for her quickly consuming him, "I tried, but I can't. I can't be apart from you..." he paused, holding his breath and ceasing his gentle motion for a moment, "Ah... mmmm... I can't. You're a part of me..." he struggled to finish his thought. He swore that he would say everything he ever had to say to her, before they were done making love this day. If someone came and burst the bubble their reunion had formed around them, he wanted to make sure there was nothing that he left unsaid. Nothing to regret. "Angel... Angel..." Buffy half-sang, and half cried. She felt so full... not only her body, which was so overflowing with his, but her heart and her soul, as well. He leaned forward and kissed away the tears as they fell from her eyes. "Never again," he sighed, "Never. I don't know how." Their bodies found that perfect rhythm again within seconds, and both of them gasped and sighed and moaned and called out to the other, forgetting where one ended and the next began. Angel could barely hold himself back anymore. But... if this weren't true, if he wasn't right, then letting go would be the end. The next thing he would feel would be his soul being ripped from his body. The look of pure, wild bliss on the Slayer's face beneath him told him that she was not afraid. If she wasn't, then he wouldn't be, either. "I love you... so much... you're so... uhhhh... so beautiful..." he pressed his cheek to hers and held her as closely to him as he could, and with his free hand, reached down and dipped his fingers into her wet curls. He found that hot, throbbing spot and touched it with a feather touch, causing her to cry out and thrust herself back onto him. He pushed himself deep inside her, in time with the rhythm of his fingers on her hard flesh. "Oh, Angel... god... I love you... yes..." //This is it. This is right.// They both thought it as they came, clutching helplessly and desperately at one another, their lips inextricably locked. Buffy arched her back so hard, Angel swore he heard her spine crack. That was it. He was done. His mind checked out and his soul started screaming. But it was a beautiful pain... Her hair, like silk, choked him as he lowered his face through it and to her neck. He clamped his human teeth over her tough jugular, and came harder from the sensation of his fangs not sinking into her skin, as anything else. Buffy collapsed, completely limp, in his arms, and he softly kissed her ear. She lay quietly, thinking about the memory of his heartbeat. //It wasn't that Riley felt wrong, exactly... it just wasn't... this. Him.// Angel spent those moments memorizing, again, the feeling of being part of her... the feeling of her body, held full-length against him. "Beautiful," he whispered. Buffy smiled. "I want to stay," he went on, stroking her shoulder with his thumb and nuzzling her softly, "If you'll have me, I want to try." She slowly turned over and looked into his eyes, "I wouldn't have you be anywhere else," she promised, kissing the tip of his nose, "Ever again." THE END.
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