Disclaimer: Joss & Co. own all these characters. Various fanfic writers own the ‘ships. The rest is my own twisted imagination.
Note: PARODY alert! I’m not making fun of anyone in particular, I just find certain aspects of fanfic humorous—and that includes the stuff I churn out and read. C’mon, people! We can laugh at ourselves. I mean, just imagine what the *characters* would think of all we put them through and the multitude of pairings we inflict upon them. On second thought, don’t. I already did that and it led to this.
Feedback: Dare I dare? To firstname.lastname@example.org, please.
Warnings: Discussion of Naughty Subjects, including Slash.
Dedication: To Tanja. This is all your fault, you know.
‘Ships that Pass Into Type
(Buffy, Xander, Spike, Cordelia, and Angel are sitting around a table piled high with ‘shipper fic. Each one is reading a different fic, and their faces show varying degrees of amusement, confusion, surprise, and outright horror.)
CORDELIA: (rifling through a stack of paper) Angel and I having sex on a desk, on the floor, another desk, my apartment, his old apartment, the Hyperion, yet another desk, his car, a couch, here’s with the desk again, the kitchen table, and guess what, the desk. Have these people never heard of Angel’s curse? (Squints) And is that position even possible?
XANDER: (picking up a new fic) What’s this “slash” stuff?
ANGEL: (reading, distracted) I don’t bite during sex.
BUFFY: (looking over Cordy’s shoulder) I can’t see how.
SPIKE (also looking) Oh, it’s possible, all right. Just don’t know why you’d want to, you humans being so fragile and all. You’d kill your back.
A: Why does everyone think I bite during sex?
X: (dropping the story he’s reading like it’s poisonous) Ew! Aah! Ick!
A: (not paying attention to Xander’s outburst) It’s a total fallacy that vampires always bite during sex.
B: What is it, Xander?
X: This one’s got me and Spike doing the dirty! Could there *be* a yuckier thing?
S: (utterly revolted) Bloody Hell! As if I’d do you.
A: (a one-idea man) I mean, even assuming the girl would just lie there and take it—
C: Which I most certainly would not.
A: --think about it: sex, bite, sleep, bleed all over the pillow. That leads to hypovolemic shock, which is certainly not romantic. And in these stories, I don’t even have the courtesy to get her patched up afterward. Not to mention she’d need tetanus and rabies inoculations. Vampires’ mouths aren’t the cleanest, you know.
B: (frowning) Here’s another one. What’s with you always lecturing me about how rotten I treat Angel, Cordy?
C: Same thing that’s with me going all teary at nothing, I think. I don’t cry over anything short of brain-melting curses or a death in the family. Oh, and on that topic, here’s an original one: me and Angel having comfort sex in the office after watching Doyle’s video. At least it’s not on the desk again.
A: (looking) But I’m biting again. What’s with that?
S: (flipping pages, very pleased with himself) Me with Buffy, me with Willow, Buffy again, Faith . . . ooh, nummies, Darla and Dru together. (Pockets it.) Me with Buffy, yet more fun with Buffy—see, other people think we’re possible, Summers.
B: (sweetly) Yeah, and then there are the people who think you and Angelus make a cute couple. (Hands him a story.)
X: Thanks so much for that mental image. (Notes with some dismay the total lack of reaction from Angel and Spike.) Don’t you two think that’s the epitome of badness? (Still no reaction. Xander’s desperate.) Guys? Help me out here?
(Angel and Spike finally trade a look. There might be a twinkle in Angel’s eye. Spike’s eyes roll as he turns to Xander.)
S: Please. As if I was ever after the poofter’s great hulking body.
X: Thank you. A plausible denial is all I was after.
A: I deny I always bite during sex. Even in my bad vamp days, I didn’t always.
S: No, just most of the time. (Off Xander’s look, clearly enjoying his discomfort.) Or so Darla said. Oh, Cordelia, here’s one that’s got you and me shagging the night away. Want to try it out, love?
C: Bite me.
S: (disgruntled) Tease.
A: I’ll bite you. During sex-on-a-desk. Here’s another.
C: I’ve got a collection going. Gimme that.
A: I really don’t think you want to see this one . . .
C: Oh, please. I’ve seen it all now. (Grabs fic from Angel, looks it over) I mean, what could this one possibly . . . *where* are you biting me?!
B: (wincing) Ouch! You wouldn’t be able to walk for a week after that. Angel, I got another curse-what-curse story here. Those’re kinda fun. What’s all this “lost day” stuff, though?
A: Ah . . .
B: And another dumping Riley story. People don’t seem to get that I actually liked the guy, y’know? (Eyes go wide at new fic.) Ooh. Here’s me and Faith going at it.
X: That’s just wrong! Maybe I should take that one.
S: (hopefully) Any Slayer threesomes with me? (Off Buffy’s look.) As if I care. I’ve got every woman on both shows.
C: I’ve got all the guys on both shows, and great sex with me tames Angelus. Says so right here. (Wafts a fic.)
A: I’ve got you both beat. I get all the women and most of the men on both shows. (Looks with some horror at a new fic.) Make that all the men. Xander, you really don’t want to see this one. (Flips a page, scowls.) And I do not bite during sex!
Note: Sorry to all those with opposing viewpoints, but in case you couldn’t guess, I find Xander totally un-slashable. Gotta go now. Angel’s still insisting he doesn’t bite during sex, and I’m gonna make him prove it. (The line forms here, ladies.)
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